Author: jhfairfax

Dealing with stress in your relationship

You and your partner may face many kinds of big life changes over the years. New jobs, new houses, big moves, new children, grief and loss, major accomplishments. Whatever it might be, these big life changes can affect your relationship, and it’s important for you and your spouse to stay close and keep your marriage strong when change happens.

How big life changes can affect your relationship

Change can stress you each out individually. If you or your family is going through something, whether good or bad, it can be stressful and overwhelming at times. And the stress you each feel can impact your relationship.

How you handle stress might be different for you compared to your partner.

Think of your stress responses like fight, flight, or freeze. (This isn’t describing trauma or crisis here, but instead using this common idea to help you understand your stress responses on a smaller scale.)

Fight mode:

When big changes come up and we get stressed, some of us get into fight mode. We take action. You might experience this as panic, or as trying to plan or control everything. You don’t slow down.

Flight mode:

Some of us experience flight mode. We want to run away from the stress. We retreat. This might look like you avoiding necessary changes, pulling away and distracting yourself.

Freeze mode:

Some of us freeze when we face change. We shut down, we don’t know what to do. This might look like you isolating, cutting off communication.

It’s natural that you might experience any of these stress responses when you go through big life changes. You naturally respond the best way you know how to protect yourself from stress.

But the problem is that these stress responses often distance us or disconnect us from our partner. You might experience more conflict. If you and your partner respond differently to stress, you might lack understanding of each other.

If you both struggle to communicate with each other and support each other in times of stress, you can become disconnected from each other.

So when big changes happen, if you aren’t staying close and connected and working through the changes together, it’s easy for your relationship to be placed lower on the priority list.

If you hold all of your stress in, you end up not talking with your spouse. You don’t go to them for support or comfort. As you pull away, maybe they have a harder time reaching you.

Or if you tend to externally process, you may need to process a lot of stress with your partner. But if that feels overwhelming to them and they aren’t also processing their stress, they might withdraw and pull away from you.

How to keep your relationship strong when you face big changes:

First, take a deep breath and recognize that you’re in a stressful season.

Accept that you and your spouse are feeling stressed and that it is at least in some part a result of big changes you’re going through together.

Remember to extend grace.

Your spouse might be snappy of frustrated one day in the midst of these stressful changes. Give them some grace. Don’t let it start a fight between the two of you. Recognize their stress for what it is, and be there for them. And on a day that you might feel worried about some of the changes your family is going through, they can give you grace. They can recognize your stress and frustration not as part of you, but as part of the changes you are experiencing together.

Prioritize your relationship.

You both might be really busy and figuring out what you each need to do to manage the changes you’re making. But in all of the chaos, recognize what you each need from each other. Whether it’s a small note to remind your spouse how much you love them, or escaping during your work day for a lunch date, focus on each other. It might be as simple as just having a conversation to check in with how each of you are feeling, and to share your worries and your stresses.

Celebrate.

When this season is over, whether it’s been positive changes or negative changes, celebrate. Maybe you’re celebrating a return from the hospital, a new job, a new move, or starting a business. Or this stressful season might have brought grief, sadness, and loss and a celebration may look more like just finding relief together. Go on a date night. Take a weekend away, or have a staycation. If it’s been a sad or stressful season, celebrate that you got through it together. If it’s been a season of joyful change, celebrate the good things that came. Just be sure that you and your spouse make time to celebrate together.

Whatever stressful or big life changes you and your partner are going through, I’m sending my best wishes your way. Big changes can impact a marriage. They can bring you closer together or tear you apart. So always work to stay close and be a team, to grow closer together through every season.

How to make your partner feel loved

You’ve probably heard about validation before and you know it’s important. Maybe you’ve experienced the peace and comfort that comes with being validated. When your partner makes you feel emotionally valid, your relationship grows. You feel closer to them. You feel understood by them.

Oftentimes, the thing a couple lacks in conversation is validation. It’s the piece of communication that could give both partners understanding, trust, and security.

Validation from your partner, feeling valid and cared for by each other, is at the foundation of understanding and communication in your relationship.  

What emotional validation means:

Validation is about getting a response, some sort of feedback from your partner that tells you that you matter to them. It’s being present and seeking to understand your partner and sit in their experience with them. It’s recognizing their experience as real and important.

Validation says “I care about you. I care about your story. Your feelings matter to me.” This emotional validation is a way your partner tells you they appreciate you and can listen even if they don’t agree.

Validation is how you respond to your partner.

It lets them know that you want to hear them, to listen and truly care about what they have to say.

You don’t have to agree with someone to be validating. If you and your partner are arguing about a difference of opinions, you can care about their feelings and recognize their perspective as important, while also respectfully having a different perspective.

Offering validation is also not about seeing an issue and trying to immediately solve it. It’s about letting your partner share their feelings about the issue with you, and you listening and understanding where they are with this- how they feel and what they think. It’s about acknowledging that their feelings about the issue are valid.

Whether or not you disagree with your partner, or even if you see a clear solution to the problem, remember, that’s not part of validating. Before going to the problem-solving and coming up with a clear solution, it’s important for you to be able to simply sit with your partner, hear them, seek to understand them, and validate them, letting them know that their feelings matter to you.

The dos and don’ts of emotional validation:

Dos in emotional validation:

Do listen first.

You can’t be validating of someone if you don’t know what they’re trying to communicate to you. So, focus first on just listening, without getting stuck thinking about how you want to respond. Just sit in their experience with them and listen. Try to understand how they’re feeling.

Do focus on the feeling in your response.

Your partner vents about a frustrating day at work. You can sit, listen, be present for them, and say “Wow, yeah that sounds really frustrating.” Or “It sounds like this feels really upsetting for you, or maybe even disappointing.” It’s that simple- you’re not telling them what to do or trying to get them to see another perspective right now. You’re trying to recognize and hear how they’re feeling. You’re building empathy with them when you take in this experience and truly understand and know that feeling.

Do ask to know more.

This can be a helpful step to take if you want your partner to be able to talk with you more about the issue. It’s easier to be truly validating of someone if you deeply understand their experience, so it’s okay to ask your partner for clarification. You might say, “It sounds like this issue with your parents is making you really sad, is that right? What else are you feeling?” or “I can hear that this does sound really sad and upsetting. Help me understand what that’s like for you.” You aren’t jumping to problem-solving or identifying who’s right or wrong. You’re just helping your partner feel heard and cared for. You’re letting them know that their feelings matter to you.

Don’ts in emotional validation:

Don’t say “but.”

“But” invalidates whatever words or phrases came before it. If your partner is trying to talk with you through a disagreement the two of you are having, and you immediately form a rebuttal with “but…” (“But you didn’t do what you said you would.” Or “But I’m frustrated too.” Or “But you didn’t tell me that.”), it feels invalidating of everything your partner just shared. It might make them feel unheard, like their perspective and feelings don’t matter to you. “But” can hinder further understanding and communication.

Don’t problem solve or offer instructions of what to do.

At least in this part of the conversation when you’re trying to be validating, don’t problem-solve. If you see your partner hurting in some way, it makes sense that you want to solve that problem and take away the hurt for them.

But your partner is probably coming to you to vent, hoping you’ll hear them and be a comforting space for them to share. So when they’re venting, or just trying to talk with you, don’t immediately begin telling them what to do next. Just listen and offer emotional validation. Then, if they need help problem solving, they know how to ask and talk with you about that.

Don’t pull away.

If your partner is sharing with you in a safe and healthy way, stay engaged. It can be easy to back out of offering validation and empathy with someone for a variety of reasons. Maybe you get bored, or you’re thinking about everything else you need to do. Or you might not like talking about emotions, so the conversation is a bit uncomfortable for you.

Don’t let those things keep you from staying engaged and in the moment with your partner. Allow yourself to be a safe space. Sometimes validation doesn’t even happen in words. Sometimes validation happens through your peaceful and accepting presence.

Don’t make what they’re sharing about you.

Sometimes when we try to relate, it can come across as not caring about our partner’s story. We begin talking about ourselves or our perspectives and we just kind of ignore theirs. There might be times that it makes sense for you to say something like “I think I know how you feel. You know how that issue happens between me and my parents too.” Just be careful sharing like that, because this time is about your partner’s feelings.

When you share with them and seek validation, you want them to listen to you. It would probably be hurtful to you if they just talked about themselves. So, if you relate to them through a personal experience, be sure to make it about relating to their feelings, by saying something like “So I can imagine that you do feel really hurt by what they did. Is that right? How are you feeling about it?”

Don’t tell them how they should feel.

Your partner is going to feel however they feel, and if you tell them they should feel something else, like happy, or grateful, or less stressed, or whatever it is, your partner will probably end up feeling unheard. Or if you tell them they shouldn’t feel the way they’re feeling, that can be harsh and shaming.

Remember, sometimes we all are going to feel certain ways. We are still responsible for our actions, and we don’t have to act the way that we feel. But this conversation is about your partner’s feelings. So, if your partner feels a certain emotion, don’t tell them what they should or should not be feeling. Instead just validate that they feel that way, and then the two of you can work together to figure out the healthiest way of acting or responding to the issue.

Remember that you both seek to be validated.

You want to be loved, understood, and cared for. You want to know you matter to your partner. So, when you try talking through different issues, whatever they may be, focus on emotional validation first. When you both know you are loved and matter to each other, it’s easier to solve any problems.

Attachment is about a bond, authenticity, and a secure connection with your partner.

The physiology of connection:

• Our bodies are involved in the bonding process.
• Emotion is a sensation- a physiological response with meaning and motivation.
• When we develop security, we are able to hold a felt sense of our partner’s experience. When we’re met with this connection, we can function better.
• We often have fears about the need of security with someone else. It takes courage to think about sharing from our hearts.
• When we’re authentically connected, we have a more congruent sense of self, meaning that our thoughts and feelings are not disconnected from each other. They line up. It’s in our biology to move toward growth, congruency, and the heart and head connection.

The danger signal:

• We get a startled, danger signal when we face disconnection. The danger signal is often unconscious. This danger signal moves into our body and how we process emotions. It informs our human responses.
• We also get the danger signal when our partner is in distress. It can lead to compassion. We either move toward our partner and protect, or we move away into self-protection.

How to change insecure responses into secure responses with your partner:

• The danger signal can inform actions of security. Create compassion. Instead of fight, flight, freeze, we can turn toward and befriend, tending to our partner.

How to prevent disconnection:

• We need touch and close contact. Nonsexual affection and, in our romantic partnerships, also sexual affection.
• Six to eight 20-30 second hugs every day can create closeness and prevent disconnection.
• Hand-holding signals safety, signals “I’m here with you.” It calms us and safeguards from disconnection.
• Safe, connected touch soothes us. Physical contact and non-sexual affection sends the message of “I’m here for you. We’re safe. We’re on the same team.”
• Eye contact is another way we touch each other and prevent disconnection. Maintaining eye contact opens up bonding chemicals and reduces stress.
• Holding each other creates space between bodies for bonding and connection.

Physiology: Understand your bodily responses involved in bonding and connection with your partner

• When we have a stress response and feel in danger, our body prepares us. Adrenaline gets going. If under continued stress, we have a cortisol response.
• We can synchronize our breathing with our partner. This releases oxytocin and calms the cortisol levels. Oxytocin is also the “cuddle hormone” that increases bonding and reduces stress. Loving and kind touches can also release oxytocin. In men, during the sexual response cycle, the hormone is vasopressin.

What does sex do to build the bond for a couple and prevent disconnection?

• Sex releases oxytocin, increasing bonding.
• The physical act, in combination with the emotional bonding, increases the loving connection.
• Orgasms may not be synchronized between partners, but you can still have the experience together. Talk about sex and play and explore together.
• Women sometimes have a different sexual response cycle than men. Women are often aroused before they feel desire. Men also have this response at times. The sexual desire may follow after being aroused, emotionally and physically. Talk with your partner about how you see your cycle- how you feel aroused and how you feel desire.

Why is connection and secure attachment so important for you?

When you’re connected and secure, you can be more emotionally stable. Pay attention to your triggers- understand what makes you feel upset, angry, insecure. Learn how your body responds to this. Pay attention to your emotional pain.

Security and connection help you maintain congruence between your head and heart, stability and safety. Connection and synchronized experiences allow for soothing.

Resources

Dr. Jorgensen and her colleagues with the Building a Lasting Connection program offer workshops and connection systems to help couples build secure bonds in their relationships.

You can text “connecting” to 31996 for a discount code and workshop information.

About Dr. Jorgensen:

As an international relationship educator and couple’s therapist, Dr. Jorgensen teaches the science of love to psychologists and clinicians throughout the world.

Dr. Jorgensen describes herself as being a bit of a connection crusader; sharing the secrets of love, romance, and fulfilling relationships via workshops, online courses, podcasts and FB Lives. In addition to the best-selling course: Emotionally Focused Therapy: Step by Step and her best-selling video set Emotionally Focused Therapy: A Complete Treatment, she has produced numerous webinars and online courses on effective therapy, relationship treatment, and secure, lasting love. Dr. J is a Certified Trainer and Supervisor of Emotionally Focused Therapy, director for the Training and Research Institute for Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Lasting Connection company that produces and distributes relationship products and marriage enrichment workshops. She holds a PhD in clinical psychology.

You can connect with Dr. Jorgensen through social media @EFTdoc 

• FB Group for Therapists learning EFT: Emotionally Focused Therapy Group
• drrebeccajorgensen.com
• buldingalastingconnection.com

Feel bored in your relationship?

We live in a society of instant gratification. When everything you want is at your fingertips, it’s easy to keep wanting more. When something feels old, we get bored. When you start to lose the excitement with your partner, you immediately feel like you have a boring relationship, and start looking for something (or someone) new.

Is boredom a reason to actually end your relationship?

Every relationship is different, and sometimes there are issues that call for the ending of a relationship. When it comes to getting bored though, there are often patterns of boredom you might find yourself in.

But looking for the next new thing or the next new relationship won’t solve your problem or prevent that pattern long-term. If you end a relationship just because you feel bored, without evaluating why you felt bored, what happened in the relationship over time, and what did or didn’t work to help resolve the boredom issue, you’re going to continue having this problem in other relationships. You’ll find yourself getting bored, look for something else that’s more exciting, and move on to that.

But that next relationship will eventually settle too- the excitement phase might slow down as you get more comfortable with each other, and you’ll find yourself bored again. This can happen over and over again if you don’t address it. So instead of getting bored and making your first step to move on, take time to process what feels boring to you, why it might be boring, and what you may be doing differently in the relationship that you didn’t do early on.

You have choices when your relationship gets boring.

You might still feel that it’s best to end the relationship. And it’s important that you make the decisions that are healthiest for you. But also, be sure to look at boredom for what it is- another response to comfort and maturity.

As we see our relationship grow and mature beyond a honeymoon phase, we tend to get comfortable with each other. There might be trust that has been established over time together. You might both feel like you don’t have to try so hard, like you can just count on each other to be there. There’s comfort in doing the daily necessities of life together. Your marriage may feel more established, more routine. This happens naturally, and it’s up to you and your partner to create excitement in your relationship.

Boredom happens when things get comfortable and you don’t take on the task of keeping the relationship alive and well. Relationships, like anything else meaningful, take work. When you get bored, it might be because one or both of you have stopped putting the same level of effort in to connecting as you used to.

So, before you decide if boredom is really a reason to end your relationship, first identify what boredom looks like in your relationship- the signs that tell you you’re getting bored- and what you can do about it.

Signs of a boring relationship:

You might get slightly irritated or frustrated with your partner at little things.

Maybe they have little habits that they’ve always had, but now those things annoy you.

You find yourself not wanting to spend time together.

You might stay late at work, or choose more nights out with friends instead of a date night with your partner. Even when you’re home together, you might not spend time in the same room with each other.

You don’t really talk anymore.

You don’t really talk to each other when you get home. You might eat dinner in silence, or watch tv instead of talking before bed.

You find yourself thinking of other experiences, or other people.

You might notice you’re thinking of a new coworker who interests you, or you think of more exciting things you would want to do with your life. This can become very dangerous very quickly.

You don’t care about sex as much.

You might have sex less frequently or not be as excited for it.

You don’t feel curious or excited about your partner.

You might think you already know everything about your partner and you aren’t interested in asking them to share more.

How do you work through and improve a relationship that feels boring?

First, recognize that it’s normal for relationships to feel boring at times.

So, if you notice any of those signs, don’t immediately go looking for the next thing. Committed relationships take work. Just accept that it’s a normal issue and that you and your partner will have to dedicate some time and effort to working through this.

Next, start talking again.

Start sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other again. Turn the tv off and put your phones away at dinner. Use that time to spend together in conversation.

Work on your own internal perspective.

When you notice yourself getting annoyed with your partner for something- ask yourself, “Has this always annoyed me?” and “why does it annoy me?”. Then evaluate “Is this something my partner has always done, and did it actually used to annoy me?” Sometimes the things we used to appreciate become the things we get frustrated with. That’s not your partner’s fault. That’s your own attitude shift.

So, when something like that happens, it’s more helpful for you to examine your attitude and keep it in check, than it is to ask them to stop. Instead, remind yourself of how you used to appreciate it, and even focus on reminding yourself of the positive perspective in the present moment.

Make a list of some fun date ideas you’d each like to do, then compare the lists.

Pick something together to do this week. Do at least one of those things each month, or more frequently if you can. These can be fun and unique dates for the two of you to enjoy together.

Continue reminding yourself that this takes work.

Find times to intentionally prioritize connection with your spouse. Text them a sweet message during the day. Ask them to share a story about their life that you don’t already know. Be interested and care for them.

Start a new hobby together.

You can go for walks together, or pick a book and read it together. It can be simple. If you’re interested in books specifically for couples and relationship improvement, check out some books that I recommend. Sue Johnson and John Gottman have both written very helpful books for couples.

Talk about sex together.

If sex is one of the parts of your relationship that feels boring, set aside a specific time to talk with each other about it. Share what you each like about sex, what you’d like more of, or what you’d like to try differently. Do not be negative or criticize. Focus on positive changes you can each make.

If you try these things and notice you’re still struggling, consider going to therapy or doing a retreat or intensive.

Patterns of feeling bored can be hard to break. That’s ok. It’s just important when that happens to recognize that you can’t always heal issues like this on your own, and sometimes you need the extra help and support.

Remember, just because your relationship feels boring, doesn’t mean you automatically abandon it.

Focus on reflecting on your own thoughts, feelings, and actions to process your experience and what you do in the relationship that contributes to the boredom. Recognize that relationships change and evolve over time. They will get comfortable. This can lead to feelings of boredom at times. But just because you’re bored now in your marriage doesn’t mean you’ll be bored forever in your marriage. Be willing to put in the consistent work over time to keep your connection strong and exciting.

When the majority of your conversations are negative.

John Gottman, a researcher and leader in the field of couples therapy has found that in order for couples to maintain a positive relationship, a ratio of 5 positive feelings and interactions for every 1 negative feeling or interaction is needed. If you’re noticing the negative experiences more frequently, this can be an important sign that your relationship may need some help. Marriage counseling can guide you and your partner through your perspectives and feelings. It will help you recognize where you are, and build positive interactions that you can maintain to improve satisfaction in your relationship.

When you aren’t talking at all.

Something I’ve noticed in working with couples is that they tend to lose the general conversations that keep them close. They lose shared hobbies and interests over time. While it’s good to have your own hobbies too, it’s still important to make time to do fun things together. So, if you notice yourselves not really talking at all, just kind of getting through the day to day as well as you can, then it’s likely that you’re missing those bonding conversations and activities that keep you close. Couples therapy can help you both reclaim closeness in your relationship and invite new ways of connecting and bonding, even when life gets busy and you don’t have as much time for the fun stuff.

Another issue with not talking at all is stonewalling. This is one of Gottman’s 4 horsemen that are detrimental to relationships. When your conflict becomes silent, and you shut down and refuse to engage with your partner, this is stonewalling. It might look like you pulling away or distracting yourself with other activities. You don’t come back together to talk through something. It can be very difficult to repair and come back together when stonewalling happens, and marriage counseling can help you both learn to understand your emotional experience and communicate your true needs in a way that helps you become closer.

When you notice yourself blaming your partner for everything, or expecting them to change.

If you think your partner is at fault for every wrong thing in your relationship, it’s difficult for change to happen. If you are not willing to see your own flaws or change, you might be putting pressure on them to make all the changes. This can also look like defensiveness, which is another of Gottman’s 4 horsemen. Defensiveness doesn’t allow you to hear constructive criticism and respond openly. Defensiveness makes excuses and creates unwillingness to change. Your relationship issues are likely because of a negative cycle that you’ve both been stuck in for a while. It takes both of you working together. Couples therapy will help you both recognize your cycle and how you disconnect. It’s going to create a safe space for each of you to explore your actions in the relationship and create new, healthy ways of connecting.

When one (or both) of you becomes extremely critical or even hateful.

The other two of Gottman’s four horsemen are criticism and contempt. Contempt sometimes comes after criticism. You may be criticizing your partner- pointing out what you think they did wrong in a harsh way. But enough criticism may eventually shape your perspective into contempt, which then becomes you judging their character. This can be a relationship killer. If one of you is constantly being criticized or even feeling contempt from the other, you’re going to end up so far away from each other. It’s hard to repair this on your own. Therapy can really help with this. There may be trust that has to be rebuilt, security or safety that has to be created.

When you’re considering an affair (or already having an affair).

If you notice yourself starting to form an attraction to someone else, or intentionally hiding messages with someone else from your spouse, this is a problem. There is a big difference between healthy friendships and something more. It’s important to have an open conversation with your spouse about boundaries. Therapy can help you both repair your relationship before any issues lead to an affair, or rebuild the trust after an affair. It can also help you navigate the boundaries you both feel are important to protect your relationship.

When you consider keeping secrets (or already are).

If you or your partner is hiding something, even something that isn’t related to an affair, your relationship can suffer. If you’re hiding financial issues, if you’re hiding unhealthy habits, if you’re lying; all of this can deplete trust in a relationship. Even if your partner doesn’t find out, this secret keeps you from being able to be fully authentic and connected. If you hide something, your partner will likely eventually know. It makes it difficult for them to trust you and engage with you. Marriage counseling can help identify the barriers that originally contributed to secrets being kept, create open lines of communication and honesty, and rebuild the trust and security of your bond.

When conflicts are ongoing or unresolvable.

Sometimes you have problems that you can’t seem to work through together. This is normal in relationships. It’s important to know though, that there are some issues that you will never both see eye-to-eye on, and that will continue to last. But if you let those issues cause conflict, disconnect, resentment, or hurt, it will damage your relationship. Couples therapy can help you find ways to reach an understanding even if you don’t agree, and keep your relationship strong even when a conflict comes up.

When you have the same arguments over and over and over again.

This is different than having conflicts you never see eye-to-eye on. You may often have conflicts that can be easily resolved, but you continue to have them over and over again. It could be small issues that don’t really mean much. But the build up of these small issues happening over time can lead to frustration, resentment, and hurt. Couples therapy can help you both hear each other’s perspectives and take it to heart, becoming willing to listen, learn, care, and communicate.

When you don’t feel like you can be open and honest with your partner.

If you find it difficult to share with your partner when something is going on for you, this is a warning sign. If you’re feeling worried about something that’s affecting your relationship, you need to be able to address it. If you’re not able to tell your partner how you’re feeling about a certain issue, whether that’s hurt, or worried, or insecure, you won’t be able to resolve it together. Or if you try to talk to them, but it only comes out as anger, this also isn’t revealing the real hurt you’re experiencing underneath the anger. Either way, if you aren’t able to communicate your true self and your needs to your partner, or if they struggle to take that information in and really listen, then this could hurt your relationship over time. Marriage counseling can help you both identify and work through the barriers that make this authentic communication difficult, and allow you both to truly open up and share with each other when something feels wrong.

When your sex life has big changes.

It’s normal for there to be changes in sex over time in a relationship. One of you might lose your sex drive, or potentially want something more or different. If one of you develops physical pain issues or functional problems in sex, it’s important to be able to discuss this openly too, and find other ways to maintain intimacy and sexual closeness. Marriage counseling, or even specifically, sex therapy, can help you and your partner work through any sexual changes or issues that you may experience, to keep you both close and connected.

Marriage Counseling and Your Relationship

There are likely more warning signs, but this list covers many issues couples typically experience. These issues are difficult ones to work through together, and therapy creates a safe space to help each partner in a relationship process their experience and reengage in the relationship.

Marriage counseling can be a huge commitment- of your time, your finances, and your energy. It’s also a meaningful commitment and it’s an investment in the future of your relationship.

Sometimes marriage counseling may seem impossible financially. There are many options for couples, and you can often find therapists or agencies who may also offer a reduced fee or sliding scale to help with the financial strain.

Resources:

The Gottman Institute has many beneficial resources and articles to help you learn what the research shows us about creating and maintaining healthy relationships.

Here’s a great article to help you understand Gottman’s 4 Horsemen

Psychology Today is a very thorough directory where you can search for a therapist based on their specialty, their location, their client age range, insurance options, and more.  

How to create emotional security in your relationship

The main points of A.R.E. and Attachment:

Attachment is the foundation of a relationship. Couples need this secure bond to create a lasting relationship.

A.R.E gives us the steps to achieving a secure bond with our partner. It is the way to truly nourish and grow a relationship.

What is A.R.E.?

A: Accessibility

• Is your partner there for you? Can you get their attention? Are they accessible and available to you? Accessibility is the feeling you have of your partner being available to you.
• Time and consistency give us the security in knowing our partner has been there and will be there for us. Building the track record of accessibility starts with being consistently there for each other over time.
• If you try to talk with your partner, but they’re on their phone (or distracted by something else) and not looking at you, that’s not true presence. True presence, true accessibility is removing a distraction and being there for your partner in that moment.
• Accessibility answers the question of “Are you there for me, and will you be there for me?”

R: Responsiveness

• Does your partner respond when you access them?
• When they respond, does it tell you they’re interested in your concerns and they care about what you’re sharing?
• Responsiveness says “I am here in your presence and ready to hold the message you’re sending.” It says “I see you suffer and that’s why I’m here for you” or “I see your excitement and joy and I’m here for that too.”

E: Engagement

• Engagement is the next step in creating a secure relationship.
• Engagement says “I’m not only interested, but I actually want to know more. Help me understand.”
• Being engaged is about saying “help me understand”, about you being interested and wanting to know more about your partner’s experience.
• This is where we find the difference between empathy and sympathy. Engagement allows you to sit in your partner’s experience with them. It tells your partner that you will remain in that moment and be there for them as long as they need.

How can couples build empathy and learn how to engage in their partner’s experience, even when it might be uncomfortable?

• Eye contact. Look into your partner’s eyes. Our mirror neurons register the other person’s experience and allow us to feel the other person’s emotions. Be willing and open to engage through this eye contact, to allow yourself to feel your partner’s feelings.
• Connect face to face with that person. It’s important to put away distractions sometimes and have conversations face to face.
• Don’t jump to the “fix.” Immediately solving the problem is not empathy. It’s more powerful and healing to ask what the moment, the experience, was like for your partner.
• It might be challenging for you, but it’s ok to tell your partner “This is hard for me, and I’m really trying to engage.”

How you can put A.R.E. into practice every day to strengthen your secure connection and attachment with your partner:

• Remember, A.R.E. can instantly change a relationship. Then applied over time, it creates security.
• Remember, meekness is not weakness.
• I know you and your partner are busy, but give yourselves the few minutes every day to de-stress together. Allow each other to vent out the stress from the day and practice being there for each other. Take 10 minutes to let yourself dump stress and practice A.R.E.
• Remember, when practicing the core steps of A.R.E.: Practice makes perfect, but perfect isn’t expected.

Why is a secure attachment in your relationship important for you?

Attachment is of course beneficial for creating a lasting connection with your partner. However, it is also linked to mental health. When you can experience secure attachment with your partner, you can also have improved personal mental health and well-being.

About Dr. Debi Gilmore:

Dr. Debi Gilmore is the co-owner of The EFT Clinic and owner of Lasting Connections Counseling. She works with couples, families, and individuals who struggle with multiple issues such as anxiety, depression, marital challenges, grief, betrayal, women’s issues, and other mental health concerns. She achieved her doctorate in Marriage and Family Therapy with a special focus on clinical skills, clinical supervision, business leadership and business development.

For her doctoral dissertation, she developed a premarital and relationship education program, and she is the author of A premarital education program: Creating and preserving a secure foundation of attachment in newly developing relationships. She has served in multiple leadership positions within the community including Board member of the Northern Utah Emotionally Focused Therapists, Chairman of the Board at West Ridge Academy, and Board member and Chairman of the Advisory Board for Enterprise Mentors International, a humanitarian organization providing micro-loans and mentoring for women in 7 developing countries.

Debi lives in North Salt Lake with her husband, Kirk, and has three married children and seven grandchildren and another grandchild on the way in spring of 2020.

Building a Lasting Connection program:

Debi also discussed the program’s connection system mats. Each partner stands on these together and has specific steps to practice A.R.E. together. These mats are also available for purchase at https://www.buildingalastingconnection.com/

You can also connect with Dr. Gilmore and stay up to date on their news and offers by emailing info@buildingalastingconnection.com

Dr. Gilmore also discussed research on a scale for measuring attachment in relationships. It can be found here:

Sandberg, J.G., Busby, D.M., Johnson, S.M. and Yoshida, K. (2012), The Brief Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement (BARE) Scale: A Tool for Measuring Attachment Behavior in Couple Relationships. Fam. Proc., 51: 512-526. doi:10.1111/j.1545-5300.2012.01422.x

Negative Cycles and Your Relationship: Breaking Old Patterns and Building Connection

Why do couples fight over little things?

Little things like tasks around the house, who is picking up the groceries, or other seemingly unimportant things sometimes lead to the biggest fights. It builds up into one or both of you feeling unheard, uncared for, or unloved. The cycle of conflict keeps happening because with each little step, you feel more disconnected from each other.

And each time that cycle gets going, you’re both carrying more hurt, armed with more reasons to stand your ground instead of resolving the deeper conflict.

Learning your relationship cycle

You can find out more about relationship cycles from Dr. Sue Johnson’s resources (see link in resources section). This is just one common example of relationships, and your relationship patterns may be different.

The pursuer:

You get signals from your partner (avoiding a conversation, having a harsh tone, pulling away), and those signals might often make you feel unheard or unimportant.

You might experience frustration or anger, thinking that they don’t care about you, or that maybe you’re asking too much.

You might often appear critical, naggy, or harsh, acting out of the frustration or anger instead of expressing hurt or loneliness, or other underlying feelings.

The withdrawer:

You get signals from your partner (harsh tone, anger, nagging or criticizing), and those signals might make you feel inadequate or hurt.

You might feel overwhelmed or also experience frustration, thinking that no matter what you do, you won’t be able to get it right for your partner.

You might avoid conflict, give a half-hearted apology, get defensive, or pull away, appearing uncaring and cold.

How the cycle keeps you stuck:

You and your partner have those underlying experiences that you don’t communicate with each other when the negative cycle happens. You likely aren’t recognizing the deeper feelings and asking your partner for what you really need. Instead, you each might act out of frustration or overwhelm, doing the very actions that signal each other in the negative cycle.

Here’s what you can do with this negative cycle in your relationship:

1. First, work on recognizing it.

Gain awareness into your experience in the cycle and what you really feel and need. Beyond daily tasks, you probably want to know that your partner cares enough about you to engage with you and love you regardless of your flaws.

2. Then, work on communicating those true feelings and needs.

Don’t get harsh or shut down. Instead, work on sharing with your partner how you actually feel, and asking for what you really need.

3. Listen to you partner.

Be willing to hear them and understand them. Don’t let defensiveness block your heart from connecting with theirs.

4. Focus on your bond.

You are each different and imperfect. You may always have certain tendencies, and the same situations may pop up that could lead to the negative cycle, but it’s how you handle those that matters most. Choose to focus on forming a closer connection with each other.

Resources:

If you’re interested in learning more about relationship cycles, Dr. Sue Johnson, who pioneered the field of EFT, has written at length about couples, couples therapy, and specifically relationship cycles.

You can visit the ICEEFT website for more information about Dr. Sue Johnson’s work.

Dr. Sue Johnson’s Books for Couples:

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Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships

You have high hopes for a happy marriage.

You want to be happy in your marriage, but something is getting in the way. You might think about past joyful times in your relationship, or compare it to other relationships you see. But little frustrations build up every day, and it begins to build into resentment in your relationship. You’re getting stuck in negativity and disappointment instead of finding happiness with your spouse.

It’s time for you and your spouse to really be happy in your marriage.

I know it’s important for you to have a happy marriage. You want to appreciate your spouse and to be appreciated. You want to get along, make decisions together, and not be derailed by little frustrations.

What are the facts about your satisfaction in your marriage?

New research has studied sacrifice and how it impacts satisfaction in relationships (Zoppolat, Visserman, & Righetti, 2019). A “sacrifice” in this research was something you might experience in typical daily life.

What the research found:

• When one person perceives a sacrifice from their partner, they typically experience appreciation if they perceive that sacrifice as being altruistically motivated.
• Also, when the sacrifice is not expected by the receiving partner, it is more meaningful. So when the receiving partner of the sacrifice holds lower expectations, that sacrifice may be more welcomed and appreciated.
• This also shows us how important it is to hold realistic expectations and focus on gratitude. Witnessing your partner sacrifice for you can also increase your respect for them.

This increase in respect, gratitude, sacrifice for the better of the relationship, and appreciation all lead to relationship satisfaction.

What does all of this really mean for how you can have a happy marriage?

Lower your expectations.

Don’t expect or put pressure on your spouse to take certain actions. Allow them space to do it on their own, out of love for you, instead of trying to live up to an expectation you’ve already set.

Make sacrifices.

Do it for the greater good of your relationship. Be intentional about checking yourself. If you do something out of motivation to meet your partner’s standards or you expect a “thank you” with it, then it likely won’t have the same impact as if you were doing it just because you care about your spouse.

Practice gratitude.

Start recognizing something you appreciate about your spouse, even something small, every day. Thank them. The key here is appreciation and gratitude.

Resources:

Zoppolat, G., Visserman, M. L., & Righetti, F. (2019). A nice surprise: Sacrifice expectations and partner appreciation in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519867145