When the majority of your conversations are negative.
John Gottman, a researcher and leader in the field of couples therapy has found that in order for couples to maintain a positive relationship, a ratio of 5 positive feelings and interactions for every 1 negative feeling or interaction is needed. If you’re noticing the negative experiences more frequently, this can be an important sign that your relationship may need some help. Marriage counseling can guide you and your partner through your perspectives and feelings. It will help you recognize where you are, and build positive interactions that you can maintain to improve satisfaction in your relationship.
When you aren’t talking at all.
Something I’ve noticed in working with couples is that they tend to lose the general conversations that keep them close. They lose shared hobbies and interests over time. While it’s good to have your own hobbies too, it’s still important to make time to do fun things together. So, if you notice yourselves not really talking at all, just kind of getting through the day to day as well as you can, then it’s likely that you’re missing those bonding conversations and activities that keep you close. Couples therapy can help you both reclaim closeness in your relationship and invite new ways of connecting and bonding, even when life gets busy and you don’t have as much time for the fun stuff.
Another issue with not talking at all is stonewalling. This is one of Gottman’s 4 horsemen that are detrimental to relationships. When your conflict becomes silent, and you shut down and refuse to engage with your partner, this is stonewalling. It might look like you pulling away or distracting yourself with other activities. You don’t come back together to talk through something. It can be very difficult to repair and come back together when stonewalling happens, and marriage counseling can help you both learn to understand your emotional experience and communicate your true needs in a way that helps you become closer.
When you notice yourself blaming your partner for everything, or expecting them to change.
If you think your partner is at fault for every wrong thing in your relationship, it’s difficult for change to happen. If you are not willing to see your own flaws or change, you might be putting pressure on them to make all the changes. This can also look like defensiveness, which is another of Gottman’s 4 horsemen. Defensiveness doesn’t allow you to hear constructive criticism and respond openly. Defensiveness makes excuses and creates unwillingness to change. Your relationship issues are likely because of a negative cycle that you’ve both been stuck in for a while. It takes both of you working together. Couples therapy will help you both recognize your cycle and how you disconnect. It’s going to create a safe space for each of you to explore your actions in the relationship and create new, healthy ways of connecting.
When one (or both) of you becomes extremely critical or even hateful.
The other two of Gottman’s four horsemen are criticism and contempt. Contempt sometimes comes after criticism. You may be criticizing your partner- pointing out what you think they did wrong in a harsh way. But enough criticism may eventually shape your perspective into contempt, which then becomes you judging their character. This can be a relationship killer. If one of you is constantly being criticized or even feeling contempt from the other, you’re going to end up so far away from each other. It’s hard to repair this on your own. Therapy can really help with this. There may be trust that has to be rebuilt, security or safety that has to be created.
When you’re considering an affair (or already having an affair).
If you notice yourself starting to form an attraction to someone else, or intentionally hiding messages with someone else from your spouse, this is a problem. There is a big difference between healthy friendships and something more. It’s important to have an open conversation with your spouse about boundaries. Therapy can help you both repair your relationship before any issues lead to an affair, or rebuild the trust after an affair. It can also help you navigate the boundaries you both feel are important to protect your relationship.
When you consider keeping secrets (or already are).
If you or your partner is hiding something, even something that isn’t related to an affair, your relationship can suffer. If you’re hiding financial issues, if you’re hiding unhealthy habits, if you’re lying; all of this can deplete trust in a relationship. Even if your partner doesn’t find out, this secret keeps you from being able to be fully authentic and connected. If you hide something, your partner will likely eventually know. It makes it difficult for them to trust you and engage with you. Marriage counseling can help identify the barriers that originally contributed to secrets being kept, create open lines of communication and honesty, and rebuild the trust and security of your bond.
When conflicts are ongoing or unresolvable.
Sometimes you have problems that you can’t seem to work through together. This is normal in relationships. It’s important to know though, that there are some issues that you will never both see eye-to-eye on, and that will continue to last. But if you let those issues cause conflict, disconnect, resentment, or hurt, it will damage your relationship. Couples therapy can help you find ways to reach an understanding even if you don’t agree, and keep your relationship strong even when a conflict comes up.
When you have the same arguments over and over and over again.
This is different than having conflicts you never see eye-to-eye on. You may often have conflicts that can be easily resolved, but you continue to have them over and over again. It could be small issues that don’t really mean much. But the build up of these small issues happening over time can lead to frustration, resentment, and hurt. Couples therapy can help you both hear each other’s perspectives and take it to heart, becoming willing to listen, learn, care, and communicate.
When you don’t feel like you can be open and honest with your partner.
If you find it difficult to share with your partner when something is going on for you, this is a warning sign. If you’re feeling worried about something that’s affecting your relationship, you need to be able to address it. If you’re not able to tell your partner how you’re feeling about a certain issue, whether that’s hurt, or worried, or insecure, you won’t be able to resolve it together. Or if you try to talk to them, but it only comes out as anger, this also isn’t revealing the real hurt you’re experiencing underneath the anger. Either way, if you aren’t able to communicate your true self and your needs to your partner, or if they struggle to take that information in and really listen, then this could hurt your relationship over time. Marriage counseling can help you both identify and work through the barriers that make this authentic communication difficult, and allow you both to truly open up and share with each other when something feels wrong.
When your sex life has big changes.
It’s normal for there to be changes in sex over time in a relationship. One of you might lose your sex drive, or potentially want something more or different. If one of you develops physical pain issues or functional problems in sex, it’s important to be able to discuss this openly too, and find other ways to maintain intimacy and sexual closeness. Marriage counseling, or even specifically, sex therapy, can help you and your partner work through any sexual changes or issues that you may experience, to keep you both close and connected.
Marriage Counseling and Your Relationship
There are likely more warning signs, but this list covers many issues couples typically experience. These issues are difficult ones to work through together, and therapy creates a safe space to help each partner in a relationship process their experience and reengage in the relationship.
Marriage counseling can be a huge commitment- of your time, your finances, and your energy. It’s also a meaningful commitment and it’s an investment in the future of your relationship.
Sometimes marriage counseling may seem impossible financially. There are many options for couples, and you can often find therapists or agencies who may also offer a reduced fee or sliding scale to help with the financial strain.
Resources:
The Gottman Institute has many beneficial resources and articles to help you learn what the research shows us about creating and maintaining healthy relationships.
Here’s a great article to help you understand Gottman’s 4 Horsemen
Psychology Today is a very thorough directory where you can search for a therapist based on their specialty, their location, their client age range, insurance options, and more.
