Author: jhfairfax

We’re often taught the adventure story of the hero’s journey. We think we have to do grand, extraordinary things to have a meaningful connection with our partner.

It’s important for us to have a new perspective and create adventure in the smaller, daily activities needed to sustain a family.

What do men experience in seeking adventure and connection in real life vs. the hero’s journey?

The hero’s journey can be harmful to men. It’s often the guiding narrative. Men are led to believe if they aren’t doing a grand gesture, an epic action, they won’t live up to the idea of who they are.

Men often aren’t allowed to have the full range of emotional expression. They’re told to get to the end, slay the dragon, succeed.

There can be depression and anxiety for men when they are stuck in this limiting narrative.

To find ordinary adventure, It’s important to find value and vision in your day. What do you want for your family and yourself? How do you want to be with your family and yourself? What are the things that are most important for you?

In finding adventure in your everyday life, you can explore these questions: What would be your practice of coming home every day? How are your actions in how you spend time with your family an expression of your values?

What is the relationship between routines and rhythms?

Routines, rhythms, and rituals create the other half of the plotline for the hero’s journey.

Routines are important every day. But without values, they’re soul-less. Routines are an expression of your vision and your values for your family.

What do your vision and aspirational values look like on a regular weekday night? What routines might express those values?

Putting meaning onto a routine helps it evolve into a rhythm.

Turning routines into rhythms:

What are the things you’re hoping to do? Identify your vision and values.

Identify the things that get in the way: Imps.

Imps: patterns of behavior that are difficult to manage. They get in the way of maintaining rhythms. Look at the problems and identify them as imps.

Learn about your imps and identify your vision and values.

Using your imps to help you grow:

Imps can evolve into something that becomes helpful.

They’re protective. They want to keep you safe. Imps (such as depression or anxiety) can get out of control, but they can also have your best interest in mind. How can you change your relationship with this issue and guide it to help you? If you start to feel anxious, figure out what anxiety is helping you pay attention to.

How do you create and maintain sustainable rhythms that enhance connection?

Develop rhythms into rituals. Rituals involve everybody.

What symbolic representation of what you’re doing can help you remember it?

Not all rhythms need to be maintained. They can evolve and grow.

You are in the middle of your story. You’re constantly creating your story.

Action steps to nourish connection and create adventure in your relationship:

1. “All great adventures begin and end around a table.” Have meals together. Spend this time being together.
2. Share stories with each other. Ask each other: What do you remember about when we first met? What do you remember about when we began dating? What was it like? What were some of the most enriching and amazing stories? What did we do together- and what does that say about what we value?
3. Explore these questions: What were we doing when things were going really well, and what does that say about what’s important to us? What gets in the way of doing that more often?

Connect with Jason:

Dr. Jason S. Frishman has been working for over 20 years to support individuals, groups, families, organizations and businesses. Whether as a psychologist, workshop facilitator, speaker, or narrative consultant, Jason’s message rings consistently clear: our lives are adventurous and interconnected. We can author our life’s adventure stories!

Jason sees the power of transformation that comes from authoring one’s own story and the strength of the Adventure-Journey metaphor. His work and play have become an expression of his love, experience and training in the practices of Narrative Therapy, Adventure Therapy and food education, activism and entrepreneurship.  

You can reach out to Jason here:

Email: nourishedconnections@gmail.com

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/NourishedConnections

Website: https://drjasonsfrishman.com/welcome

What couples experience with sexual desire differences:

• People often set the standards for their relationship in the limerence phase. That isn’t sustainable. Sexual desire can change over time.
• You may get into the pattern of initiator and gatekeeper.
• Sex education programs we’re taught in school are based more in fear and prevention. We aren’t always taught about sex, healthy sexuality, and how to communicate about sex.
• Sometimes we think men typically have a higher desire, but women can also have a higher desire.
• We may feel shame and rejection. It’s hard to open up to your partner, or even talk with your doctor about sexual desire issues.

What are the different roles each partner may take on?

• Initiator- Initiation can be difficult if you’re feeling rejected and looking for rejection.
• Gatekeeper- When someone gets caught in the position of receiving or denying initiation, they become a gatekeeper. There can often be a lot of anxiety for the gatekeeper.
• Both of these roles can experience hurt.
• The roles of gatekeeper and initiator are also flexible and can change over time.

What defines sexless relationship?

• A sexless relationship: your relationship does not have to be completely devoid of sex to be considered a sexless relationship.
• Even having sex just once a month could be considered sexless, because it may not be enough to fit the needs of the relationship.

What are some early signals couples can recognize to know it’s important to get help and talk through desire differences before hurt builds?

• Ask yourself: Are you comfortable talking about these sexual things with your partner? Have you talked with them?
• Are you feeling resentful? Do you have feelings of rejection?
• What does sex mean to you and what need does it fulfill? Are your needs being met?
• It’s not about what’s normal, or what should be happening. It’s about how you both feel in the relationship.
• You can’t know what you want to share with your partner until you know what you really want and need.
• There are different parts of intimacy. Are the other areas of intimacy, besides sexual connection, fulfilled for you? When someone rejects sex, it might be that other intimacy needs aren’t being met.

What steps can couples take to work through desire differences together?

(And remember, these steps can be done in working with a sex therapist who is skilled in helping you and your partner navigate these issues)

Communicate.

Discuss what’s happening, what’s not happening, your thoughts and feelings about sex and what your hopes are. Explore and communicate your needs.

Take sex off the table.

You can create space to talk about it, without the pressure or expectation of it.

Initiation.

Have a conversation about what you each like, how you each like initiation to happen.

Journal.

Journaling about touch, anxiety, sexual contact, can also help with a sex therapist.

Increase Intimacy.

Over time, build in more intimacy and explore more of what you’re interested in.

Plan.

Build in a plan for how you can communicate and notice if things begin to get off track (relapse prevention).

Schedule.

It’s ok, and even encouraged, to schedule sex. Create space in your schedule to make it happen.

Remember to take the pressure off.

You don’t have to do everything. It’s important to have a safe space to discuss desire and eroticism. There may be things that you don’t actually act out in the bedroom, though. Connect with your desires, and then determine what you bring into the sexual relationship and what you don’t.

What about medical and mental health-related factors and sexual desire differences?

• There may be a pain issue, a disability, a change in your body, or a mental health issue, that affects desire.
• Discuss different ways to make sure needs are met. Sex isn’t just penetration.
• Sometimes there are anxieties that also impact the body.
• A sex therapist can also collaborate with medical professionals, such as a pelvic floor specialist, or other doctors.
• Don’t try to work through sexual issues and desire differences on your own.
• Therapy can be short-term. You won’t need it forever. There are sometimes small issues that require just a few small changes.

What else can couples do to maintain growth in their intimacy?

• Love languages: Know your partner’s love language so you can turn toward each other
• Set up date nights to create a space for communication about your needs.

Resources:

Gary Chapman’s Book: The 5 Love Languages

John Gottman’s Book: Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Jessica also discussed 8 types of intimacy. More information can be found HERE

AASECT, a credentialing board for sex therapy providers, has a provider directory.

Psychology Today is another directory of therapists.

Connect with Jessica

Jessica Cline is a board-certified sexologist and sex therapist. She works with couples and individuals with sexual dysfunction but specializes in working with desire differences. Jessica has been a featured expert on Bravo, Insider, Cosmopolitan, Bustle, Romper, and Elite Daily. Jessica provides services in person and online in several states. Feel free to check out her websites at www.jesscline.com and www.clinecounseling.com or reach out to her at jessica@clinecounseling.com

We often speak to our partner in the love language we want to receive instead of understanding how they receive love. It’s important for the foundation of the relationship to understand the different ways we can give love.

5 Love Languages (Developed by Gary Chapman)

Words of Affirmation

It’s about the “why”. Speaking to your partner’s strengths, their experience, their needs, is even more affirming than just a simple “thank you” or a compliment.

Actions to avoid: Insults and criticism. To someone who feels love in words of affirmation, insults and criticism can hurt on an even deeper level.

Acts of Service

Take something off your partner’s master to-do list. Focus on ways you can help them make the most of their time.

Actions to avoid: Making more work for your partner. If you offer to help with something, but then create more of a mess or a more stressful situation for your partner to deal with later, this can be more hurtful.

Gifts

It’s more about the meaning behind the gift. This isn’t a superficial or materialistic love language. It’s about the thought behind the gift that can make your partner feel loved.

Actions to avoid: Thoughtless gifts, and the missing of birthdays, anniversaries, and other special dates.

Quality Time

Undivided attention: it’s about putting distractions away and doing a shared activity. Focus on active listening and connection. It doesn’t even have to be a date night out. Find time at home to show up for each other and spend time together.

Actions to avoid: Being on your phone or other distractions when it is set aside quality time. If you need to be engaged in other things, communicate this and be sure to still have focused quality time.

Physical Touch

Physical touch can be reassuring, secure. You can find small ways to connect with small, meaningful touches. It can also be an emotional lifeline in your relationship. It is not just about sex. It can start with holding hands, welcoming each other at the door, hugs.

Actions to avoid: Getting into a tit-for-tat mentality and withholding affection or love until your needs are met. Instead, just focus on the small, meaningful moments to begin rebuilding connection.

Applying love languages and building connection in your relationship

• We don’t all fit squarely into one love language. We change over time. Sometimes our love language is strongest where our need is most.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Each of you can explore what makes you feel loved, and share that with each other.
• Find bids for connection, a way to give attention to each other. Find opportunities to turn in to each other.
• Trust is important in building foundational work. Trust can be broken in big ways, like infidelity. It can also be broken in smaller ways, like asking for your needs and your partner not showing up in that way. When this happens, trust erodes and resentment builds.
• Tune into what your partner needs. Pick up on cues and choose to engage and connect when they need you.

Gottman’s 4 Horsemen- Predictors of Divorce

Criticism

Feels like a pointed finger, attacking.

Antidote: Use a gentle start-up. “I feel…”

Contempt

Takes criticism to a deeper level, attacks values and character of your partner.

Antidote: Build a culture of appreciation with speaking to each other’s love languages.

Defensiveness

Choosing not to take accountability or ownership for your role, “It’s not my fault.”

Antidote: Take responsibility for your part in a situation. “I’m sorry for my part in how you feel.”

Stonewalling

Space for the sake of space, going away without a plan to come back and work through an issue together.

Antidote: Take space to self-soothe and calm down, and set a time to come back and talk.

If you’re noticing these in your relationship, it doesn’t mean you’ll get divorced. You can use it to build awareness and work through issues together.

Remember, it takes time to implement these changes, rebuild trust, and build connection. Give yourself and your relationship some kindness.

Resources:

Gary Chapman developed the idea of the 5 love languages. You can learn more at the 5 Love Languages website.

John Gottman has researched relationships and developed insights into what makes relationships successful and lasting. You can learn more at https://www.gottman.com/

You can also find more information about the books Bridget mentioned in my Book Recommendations.

Connect with Bridget

Bridget is a Licensed and Independent Clinical Social Worker in Massachusetts with over 12 years in the field.  With specialties in relationship issues, life transitions, and anxiety, Bridget has worked with a wide range of clients. Her skills include tailored treatment approaches to work with those who may be experiencing depression, self-esteem concerns, life threatening illness, stress, parenting concerns, trauma and abuse, loss, and infertility and pregnancy. She has coached many individuals and couples through their processes of growth and has helped them to create a better life space for themselves. Her experience has allowed her to work across the United States as well as internationally and with a wide range of ages, backgrounds, diagnoses, socioeconomic classes and the barriers that come with each.  Her counseling style is kind, interactive, and down to earth. At her core, she believes in treating everyone with empathy, kindness, and compassion. Change your worry into hope and fears into strength while cultivating healthy connection and communication. Bridget provides therapy and coaching for individuals and couples who find themselves in a challenging time and are looking for a Bridge to healthyself.

Email: Bridget.LICSW@gmail.com

Website: www.Bridgetohealthyself.com

Psychology today:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/profile/434412

We’ve all been battling COVID-19, and there’s a lot to worry about.

I’ll be transparent with you: I’m not an expert on global pandemics and I don’t have the medical knowledge to share facts about this virus. But I do know about connection. I know that we all need connection and support. Friendship is important. Your larger support system is important. And your marriage, your significant relationship, can be one of the most encouraging, relieving, and peaceful supports for you right now.

So, if you’re feeling worried, I encourage you to think about how this is affecting your relationship.

• Are you more irritable or frustrated? Are you venting but having a hard time listening to your spouse? Are you thinking of the worst-case scenario for every single issue that comes up?
• Sometimes worry can also make it difficult for us to trust our partner, knowing they may not be able to fix the problem or protect us.
• Worry isn’t all bad. It can serve as protection. But when it gets too strong or overwhelming, it can leave us feeling alone, scared, even angry.

So, take some time to reflect on your worry. Explore how it’s affecting you and your relationship.

• Are you projecting onto your partner? Seeking more control as you feel out of control?
• Are you shutting down, feeling overwhelmed and unable to have any comforting conversations with your partner?
• Are you getting frustrated or angry at small things, after being stuck inside with your partner for so long and stuck with your stress and worry for so long?

This is an incredibly stressful season, and people are hurting and afraid in different ways.

Whether you’re dealing with worry of job loss, sickness and death, or any other effects of this virus, you may feel very afraid or hopeless.

I just want to help bring you peace.

Know that you aren’t alone. We’re all in this. Our worries may be different, but at the end of the day, we all need the same things.

Connection. Love. Security. Hope.

As you reflect on how your worry is impacting your relationship, I encourage you to explore what you each need, how you can be there for each other.

• Spend quality time with your partner. Talk to them and give them the space to share their worries with you, too.
• Remember, you can’t fix everything and neither can your partner.
• If you’ve been holding all the worry in, ask for the space to share it and process it. Ask for support.
• If you’ve been letting the worries out, or if your stress is coming out more as frustration, ask for understanding and patience.

None of us really know how to deal with what the world is facing right now. And when we’re filled with worry, we tend to lose sight of ourselves and those we love. Our vision and our thought processing becomes clouded by all of the what-ifs.

So today, I hope you find peace.

As you feel the worry building within you, I encourage you to take deep, full breaths.

Fill your body with calm energy.

Let peace flow into all of your inner places that hold worry.

Sit and allow yourself to feel nurtured in this space.

Allow yourself to provide that same feeling of peace and nurturing to your partner.

Simply recognize the worry and invite peace.

In your relationship with your partner, invite patience.

As uncertainty fills the air, let the connection and love you share keep you both grounded and secure.

Let your relationship nurture you.

I hope and pray that you can find some bit of peace and comfort in this anxious world.

Sending love your way.  

We don’t talk about dating after divorce enough to help people prepare for it. The culture of dating has changed, and dating after divorce or after a significant relationship has ended brings more challenges and more opportunities for growth.

How do you filter out what’s unhealthy vs. what’s healthy with dating after divorce?

• Figure out what your relationship with yourself looks like.
• When in a long-term relationship, it’s common to shift your identity into that of a married person. When the relationship ends, there’s a challenge in having to grieve the loss of your identity as a married person, while shifting to a new lens of being a single person.
• Explore your new boundaries. What boundaries and expectations will you go into the process of dating with? What does it mean to put effort into getting to know somebody long-term?
• Process and grieve. Grieve the identity that is changing and the loss of the relationship.
• There’s not a wrong way to try to start dating again after divorce. Do what feels like the best right fit for you. Have the willingness to meet that and explore that.

Trust

• In a significant long-term relationship, we place a lot of trust into the other person. But this is also about self-trust.
• Questions to reflect on: Why did the relationship expire? What’s my role in it? What do I want life to look like from here on out? How can I trust myself with these choices?
• If you’re not trusting yourself when trying to start a relationship, it’s easy to become co-dependent and continue unhealthy patterns.

Ownership and Accountability

• Ownership is not a behavior, but a mindset. Ownership is simply the calling out and owning of what you did. It is not self-blame.
• Accountability is the behavior that comes after ownership in healthy situations. It’s recognizing what you’re going to do about what you’re taking ownership of.
• Learn from it, and don’t beat yourself up for it. We are our own worst enemies.
• Know what you created vs. what you want to create now.

How do you navigate taking accountability and taking that into your new dating world?

• Transparency in dating. Understand what you want to be transparent about so you don’t waste your time or anyone else’s. Be upfront about what any potential partners can expect from you. If you’re working, have children, or have other parts of your life you’re setting boundaries for, set the expectation and follow it up with a boundary of what you will and will not do.
• Be aware that not everyone else will have the same level of transparency that you do. That’s okay.

How can you know if someone is being transparent with you or not when you begin dating after divorce?

• Love-bombing: Constant positive attention in order to get their needs met. Once their needs are met you may be ghosted or rejected.
• Ask yourself: Is their behavior realistic and sustainable?
• Remember your boundaries and expectations.

Prioritize yourself

• It’s not selfish to prioritize yourself.
• Check in with yourself. Am I being accountable to the things I decided I wanted? Am I honoring those things?
• Your relationship with yourself needs to be held as sacred. Do the things that take care of the essentials as well as the things that bring you fun and joy.
• Accountability is non-negotiable. Find a way to care for yourself. Be flexible and creative.

Important points to remember when you consider dating after divorce:

1. Ownership
2. Accountability
3. Trust

About Kelly:

Kelly Lynch is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, former EMT, certified life coach, certified Fitness Trainer, and certified nutrition coach. Kelly owns two businesses, a private psychotherapy practice, Turning Point Wellness, and a private life coaching practice, The Unapology Project. She has ten years experience as an EMT, and over eleven years experience as a psychotherapist. Kelly’s clinical experience is diverse, including working with children, families, and people with severe and persistent mental health disorders and substance addictions. She has contributed to the development of multiple emergency services programs, clinical programs, and education curriculums for emergency services personnel and clinical therapists, as well as having taught these programs. Kelly specializes in PTSD, along with anxiety and other trauma related disorders. Her superpower exists in the realm of language and story-telling, and she uses this to teach her clients how to define what it means to live life on their terms by being in control of themselves, the choices they make, and taking the best possible care of themselves.

https://www.theunapologyproject.com/

The Unapology Project on Facebook

The Unapology Project on Instagram

Kelly also referenced Kristin Neff and her work with self-compassion. You can learn more at https://self-compassion.org/

Changes you and your partner may experience when you bring your baby home:

You may both experience sleep deprivation.

When you’re bringing your baby home for the first time, you’ll be tired. If the baby wakes up, you’ll probably wake up too. You’ll both have changes in your sleep routines.

You’ll have to navigate new roles and parenting duties.

You or your partner may need to be asking for help. With a new baby, there are more tasks on your daily to-do list. You’ll both have to make adjustments to prioritize what needs to be done.

Your identity changes.

Being a parent is part of your identity now. You may begin to feel differently about yourself and your values.

Your sex drive can change.

If you’re the partner who is carrying the child, your body will be going through many changes, even after childbirth. Along with physical changes, your stress levels will change. Your sleep patterns will change. With so many other factors, your sex drives are likely to change during this season.  

You’ll get less one-on-one time with your spouse.

With a baby, your focus and your partner’s focus may naturally shift. As your focus and your schedule shifts, it may be difficult to get quality one-on-one time with each other.

Conflict with extended family can arise.

As family members may have different parenting styles and different ways of managing households, they might disagree with what you want to do. Family can be helpful, and these differences can also add stress. You and your partner may experience disagreements with family members.

You may experience mental health issues.

You may deal with post-partum depression or anxiety. Sometimes either or both parents can experience mental health issues upon having a child. It’s a big adjustment for each partner, and there are many factors that could contribute to depression and anxiety. If you’re experiencing this, know that you aren’t alone.

All of these potential changes can sound overwhelming, but know that you aren’t alone. And as you are on this journey, remember that it’s important to have a strong relationship with your partner, to be able to care for yourselves and each other.

What you both can do to care for yourselves and your relationship:

Be willing to compromise to support each other.

The laundry or dishes may not be done your way, but be willing to share the load and accept help as you both make adjustments.

Ask for help.

From your partner, your family, your friends. Find ways you can tag team to get rest. Ask for help with meals, housework, or whatever you need. Seek support, and remember that this is for a season.

Find mental space for yourself.

You may not have a lot of alone time or restful time. But as you’re in this season, find small times to sit with yourself. As your identity and your perspective may be changing, give yourself time to process this. Begin recognizing and working to accept the changes you’re experiencing. You may find time to do this while feeding the baby or during naptime. If you can get some help, take a few minutes and go for a walk around your neighborhood. Find some time to reflect on your own thoughts and feelings. Find peace

Schedule time to check in with your partner.

Even if just for a few minutes, keep the connection alive by talking with each other. If you can find time while the baby is resting, talk over coffee together, or find time to relax on the couch together.

Talk about what you each need and want.

Talking is especially important, because you also might not be having sex, or having the same physical relationship you’re used to. Even if it’s a small amount of time, keep that communication open so that you’ll continue to feel connected.

Speak up for yourself and your family.

Your family is you, your partner, and your child or children. Your extended family (parents, grandparents, in-laws, etc…) and your friends may want to help, and that’s wonderful. Be willing to accept help. And remember that you’re allowed to set boundaries and ask for what you need. You can say no to things that add more difficulty to your life in this season. Also remember that you and your partner are a team. Have the conversations that help you to find a middle ground and come to a place of agreement, so you can support each other and support your family.

Get help.

Seek out healthy support and connection. Adjusting to having a child is a big stressor. You love your child, and it can still be stressful. If you begin to experience depression or anxiety or other mental health concerns along with this, please get help. Be open with your partner and your support system, and go to therapy.

Resources about bringing your baby home:

John Gottman and the Gottman Institute have studied couples and have great information about the effects of parenthood on marriage. https://www.gottman.com/blog/bringing-baby-home-the-research/

There are also workshops all across the country and internationally for parents. https://www.gottman.com/parents/new-parents-workshop/

What was it like for you and your relationship when you began to discuss trying to get pregnant?

• Hannah discusses the challenge of balancing the head and heart. Lining up when it felt right to start trying to conceive, along with when it made sense.
• Andrea discusses her plan and how she had a timeline in mind, which helped them decide when they were ready.
• No matter what, you’ll have the “Oh crap, we’re pregnant!” moment.
• Accept that there are things you can’t control.

What is pregnancy like? How does it affect your relationship with your partner?

• It can bring you and your partner closer together. You can bond in a special way when you’re going through this together.
• It can also be isolating. The partner who is not carrying may not know what you’re going through. And if your friends haven’t experienced it, it can be hard for them to be understanding.
• You have to put a lot of effort into staying connected and communicating. Your partner isn’t a mind-reader. Express your needs, thoughts, and feelings.
• Being constantly anxious and stressed isn’t good for you or your child. If you’re experiencing this, seek help. Talk with your doctor.
• You can learn to be open and talk about how you really feel, to talk with friends and get support and advice.
• “Talk to your partner. Talk to other mothers. But make sure you’re talking to your partner.”

How do you find a balance between work and life and your relationship while experiencing the symptoms of pregnancy?

• The romantic relationship might take a backseat in some ways, and the physical changes can be challenging.
• You lose control in a lot of aspects of your life. We’re often conditioned to make responsible decisions and make sure you think things through before you do them. But in deciding when to have a baby, if you’re able to have a baby, and everything else in the process, comes with so much that you can’t plan and can’t control.
• You may need more time off from work than you expected. You may have to give up some other activities. You need to rest and slow down. If you have the ability to take more time off, allow yourself more time to rest and relax. Say no when you can. Ask for what you need. If you can’t do something, say no and prioritize your health.
• The physical part of your relationship may change. Your libido may change, and you may feel bad about yourself. Give yourself grace and find other ways to connect. You have the opportunity to let your relationship grow and mature in a different way.

How have things changed more as you get later into your pregnancy?

• Your emotions change over time. Sometimes you feel even-keeled and sometimes your emotions feel out of control.
• You may be challenged to talk with your partner more and be honest about feelings. Be honest now to make the transition to parenthood easier.
• You get to share a special experience with your partner by having a child together. Remember how important this connection is.
• More resources are needed for fathers and partners who aren’t carrying. It may not feel as real to your partner until you give birth. So as the pregnancy goes on, encourage your partner to also have support. Be willing to hear their experience, even if it’s different because they aren’t carrying the child.

What advice and action steps would you give to couples who are getting ready to give birth?

• Communicate. You can’t control how you feel, but you control what you do about it. Be vulnerable and authentic in communicating what is really going on for you.
• Be aware of your own needs. Are you following what you think you should do or what is authentic for yourself and your relationship? Be true to yourself. It’s not about what others think you should do. With every decision, think about what really matters to you.
• Seek out counseling, individual and/or couples.
• Put your ego aside and be vulnerable with each other.
• Give yourself grace. Love yourself and be accepting of changes.
• Date nights. It’s easy to focus on yourself and the baby. Don’t forget about your partner and your relationship.

Connect with Andrea and Hannah:

You can find Andrea Cotter on LinkedIn.
You can find Hannah Tate-Smith on Psychology Today.

How you can keep your relationship strong

Everyone’s experience with pregnancy and having children is different. However, there are some common issues that relationships may experience in the process of trying to conceive.

Problems in your relationship when beginning the process of trying to conceive:

Making the decision to try to conceive together.

You may not always agree on everything, but you’ll want to get on the same page with this and find some understanding with each of your ideas about being a parent. It can be incredibly stressful if you don’t agree. If you aren’t intentionally communicating with each other and working to hear each other’s thoughts and feelings about trying to conceive, just the start of making the decision to try to have a baby can be filled with conflict.

Other big family-building decisions.

There are many decisions to make when you begin to think about conceiving. You may want to talk about how many children you both want, what values are important for your family, your different parenting styles, traditions, and more. You may not agree on all of these things, and that’s ok. You won’t agree on everything. But this can also cause conflict for you, and it might help to go to couples therapy to address your different ideas.

You can lose intimacy when sex becomes work.

If you and your spouse get so focused on conceiving that it becomes more about the anxiety of tracking your cycle and having sex at the right time and in the right position, you could lose the intimacy and freedom in your relationship. When sex becomes work, you miss out on the joy and closeness needed for your relationship to thrive.

All of the unexpected.

Trying to conceive is filled with unexpected issues that can come up. Any issues, whether medical concerns, life changes, family problems, or anything else, can bring added stress. And so many of these things are out of your control. If you let the stress of the unexpected overwhelm you, you might find yourself getting easily frustrated or experiencing more conflict or disconnect in your marriage. It can be challenging to keep open communication and connection.

Trying to conceive: tips for your relationship

Maintain a solid foundation in your couple relationship.

Your spouse is the person you plan to raise a child with, so you need a strong relationship. When you feel overwhelmed and stressed, don’t blame your partner. Focus on listening to each other and supporting each other. When you don’t agree on some decisions, be willing to sit down and talk it out.

Keep fun in your relationship.

You don’t want to lose the intimacy of sex, so allow for spontaneity. Don’t make every time you have sex become focused on procreation. Have date nights. And it’s not just about sex either. Go have fun together. Whenever you do have a baby, life will most likely be more stressful and busy. Take time now to enjoy time with your spouse so that when the baby comes, you will still have a close relationship and be in the habit of making time for each other.

Talk about other things outside of trying to conceive.

It’s easy to get stuck in thinking and talking only about getting pregnant. It can be consuming. Allow yourselves the freedom to put all pregnancy-talk to the side sometimes. Go out to dinner for a date night, and agree that you won’t discuss it. If all of your conversations are focused on this one goal, you can easily lose sight of each other and your relationship. Share other areas of your lives together.

Remember there are multiple ways to get to a common goal.

So much of this process is unexpected. You might have it all planned out- when you’ll get pregnant, how you’ll give birth, what everything will be like along the way. And sometimes our plans work, but oftentimes it’s not going to go exactly your way. Whatever your journey looks like, just remember to leave space for change and other possibilities. Remember, you and your spouse want to have a child and begin adding to your family. And while that’s wonderful, it also requires flexibility in knowing that your journey can look different from others. So instead of worrying or focusing on making it happen in the one way you want it to, just focus on the parts you can control and be willing to breathe and adjust to all the things that can happen along the way.

I know this might be a difficult season of life as you and your partner are trying to get pregnant. Whatever your story is, know that I’m thinking of you and holding hope for you, friend. You aren’t alone. And your relationship with your partner can be the most supportive and loving space to help you cope with the stress of this season. So keep your relationship strong, and you’ll be able to get through everything else life brings.

Miscarriages, infertility, and other fertility issues bring hurt, grief, sadness, and loss.

It can be painful, overwhelming, and shocking when you learn you may have difficulty getting pregnant, when you get an infertility diagnosis, and when you’re on the long and tiresome journey of trying to have children.

It’s important to know how infertility affects you and your relationship.

You and your partner may experience more feelings of anxiety and stress when dealing with infertility.

Fertility issues can impact the mental and emotional health of both partners in a relationship, no matter what the specific issue or diagnosis is. You may be worried about every appointment, every cycle, every trial, and what other factors may be involved. It’s overwhelming and exhausting and it can feel very out of your control.

It can be hard on both you and your partner to manage normal activities when you’re dealing with fertility issues.

If you see your friends getting pregnant or raising their children, this may be even more difficult. It can be hard to be around baby showers, birthday parties, or other events. You may find yourself or your partner isolating more.

Shame and guilt can be heavy on you and your partner.

Whether the fertility issues are linked more to one partner than the other, or even if they’re unknown, infertility can bring feelings of shame and guilt. Even though it’s not your fault, these feelings do still come up at times. And those feelings can create conflict in your relationship. You might feel blamed by your partner, or you might begin to blame them. You end up in disunity and frustration.

You might focus on trying harder.

If you’re trying to get pregnant, you begin to focus so much of your energy on the timing, the body temperature, and any other factors you can think of that might be conducive to fertility. It’s easy to fall into a trap of being obsessed with trying to conceive. You might lose the intimacy of sex. If it becomes a scheduled meeting filled with stress, you may find your closeness you need beginning to dissolve as you focus more on the outcome.

Fertility issues might come with loss and grief.

It can be harder for others to understand. Whether you haven’t been able to conceive, you’re dealing with a miscarriage, or something else, recognize that you and your partner may be grieving. You’re grieving the loss of a child, the loss of hope, the loss of expectations and dreams. If you and your partner are experiencing these feelings, you may not be sure of how to talk about it or get through it. It can be difficult to keep hope.

Here’s what you can do to care for your relationship when you and your partner are dealing with fertility issues:

First, take a deep breath and work on just acceptance of what’s happening.

I believe this is the first step for any difficult thing- just to be able to know and accept that what you’re going through is hard, and it’s normal to not feel ok about it right now.

Plan date nights that aren’t consumed by infertility-talk.

Use this time to enjoy intimacy. If you do have sex, don’t make it about getting pregnant. Make it about having physical intimacy and connection with your partner.

Know your limits and be willing to say no to certain events.

Don’t let this turn into isolation, but know that it’s ok if you can’t go to a friend’s baby shower, or a child’s birthday party, or something else. Give yourself and your spouse the space and freedom to say no.

Be kind to yourselves and each other.

Remember, you and your partner might be overwhelmed with grief, loss, feelings of guilt, or even shame. Don’t let hurt turn into anger and build into conflict between you. Be kind. Extend grace, even on the hard days. It’s important to value your relationship and the comfort and support you can give each other.

Don’t get caught in blame.

Be united. Especially if either of you get stuck in negative thoughts of guilt and blame, put a hard stop on that. Fertility issues likely aren’t something either of you wanted or even expected. So don’t let these issues tear you apart. Instead, focus on how you can work together and love each other better.

Make time specifically to talk.

Share your feelings and discuss big decisions together. There might be times neither of you want to talk about it. And that’s okay too. Respect that this can’t consume your life. But it is important for you to be able to talk about what you’re going through with each other. Even if you have to schedule it, set aside time to talk and share your feelings. Plan time to talk about decisions together. Work to stay on the same page and make decisions as a team.

Ask for what you both need.

If you need a break, take it. You may need to take some time before trying again. Or you may just need a day to yourself. If you need to talk, then talk. Talk with your spouse. Talk with your doctor. Talk with your trusted friends. If you have questions, ask. Be fully informed and united in getting information and treatment. Speak up for yourselves and each other.

Create happiness in the small moments together.

Clear your schedule before and after appointments when you can. Listen to good music in the car together. Take a bath. Go for a walk. Do the small things that bring your and your spouse joy.

Don’t isolate yourselves.

Seek help. Talk to each other. Don’t isolate yourselves from each other or from your friends and family. You don’t have to go through this alone, and if you try to, you’ll only end up hurting more. So keep yourselves from isolating. It’s incredibly important to talk with a therapist and get the emotional support and guidance for yourselves and your relationship.

Let me leave you with some words of love and support. I don’t know how your journey through infertility ends and I don’t know what’s at the other side of this for you. But I hope that you and your partner remember the gift you have in each other, that your relationship grows stronger through this, that your friendships become more authentic and supportive, and that your heart heals.

What are the signs that may tell someone if their partner is experiencing a substance use issue?

• It can be hard to notice. Addiction is often hidden, whether out of fear, low self-worth, guilt, shame, or embarrassment.
• While you might not see the actual use, it’s the effects of substance abuse that are harder to hide. Difficulty keeping a job, problems paying bills, changes in family relationships could all stem from a substance use issue. Missing money, missing time, secretive habits, or a change in mood may all be signs.
• It can quickly change from recreational to dependency. Your partner coming home and having a couple of drinks can turn into avoiding family and avoiding outings that would limit their ability to drink.

What do you do if you think your partner might have a problem with addiction?

• If you notice any of these issues in your partner, approach them kindly and with care.
• Even if you aren’t sure what’s going on, but you start to see signs that there is an issue of some sort, talk to your partner. For example, you might say, “Hey, I’ve noticed that our money is a little different than it used to be and you seem like you’re not spending as much time with us. I’m not trying to attack, but I’m concerned about you. I don’t know what’s going on but I really care about you and want you to know that you can talk to me about anything.”
• Try to decrease fear, shame, and guilt to give your partner the space to share whatever they’re going through, whether it’s addiction, depression, low self-worth, suicidal thoughts, or anything else.
• Seeing your partner struggle with a substance use disorder can be confusing and very frustrating. Remember, it is not your job to “fix” this. Your role as a support person is to encourage your partner to do things that will be good for them (therapy, accountability, boundaries, social support).
• Know that their recovery is not your responsibility or your fault. And you can still be a support in healthy ways.

What do you do if you think you might have a problem with addiction?

• If you’re the one who is struggling with an addiction or unwanted habit, know that addiction feeds on guilt and shame. A substance creates a problem and tells you it’s the answer to that problem. The first step to recovering is bringing the issue into the light. Talk to your spouse. Ask for help.
• While you of course want to stop using, withdrawals can also be dangerous. Consult your doctor on the best way to handle quitting use of any substances.
• There can be genetic and environmental causes of substance use disorders. While you might not be able to change your genetics or your past circumstances in life, you can seek help now. “Mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.”

What you and your partner can do today to be open about addiction and gain support in healing:

• Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your family histories: are there any concerns in other family members, how did other family members cope? Whether or not there is a family history, it’s important to discuss and to recognize how each of you might be at risk for dealing with addiction.
• If one or both of you is already struggling with substance abuse, be willing to ask “What are you going through? How are you?” Create space for open communication and acceptance.
• If you’re the partner who is dealing with a substance use issue, set aside specific time for a conversation with your partner to talk with them. For the partner who’s listening, focus on just listening and know that you don’t have to fix the issue.
• If there’s an issue developing, seek treatment now. Don’t wait.
• You may be worried that having a difficult conversation and confronting substance use might ruin your relationship. But if you let the problem escalate, your relationship is much more likely to be affected or ruined.

Resources for addiction:

Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong: Johann Hari, Ted Talk

Alcoholics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous

Al-Anon Family Groups

Co-Dependents Anonymous

Favor

Celebrate Recovery (Christian faith perspective)

Connect with Ross:

Ross is a Marriage and Family Therapist and addictions counselor. He enjoys working with couples & individuals and looks for opportunities to spread awareness about mental health. He believes that everyone has the strength to overcome the obstacles they face, with the proper tools. Ross sees clients at his private practice in Spartanburg, SC.

Rosshill.mft@gmail.com

Ross Hill on Psychology Today