Know Yourself Before the Relationship, with Taylor Looney, LMFT-A

Taylor Looney, LMFT-A shares about her work with young adults. This episode is especially helpful for college-aged students and young adults who are single or early in their relationships.

Overview:

Taylor shares about how her work experience has given her insight into the importance of young adults knowing themselves well before getting serious in a relationship or moving toward marriage.

Main Points of this Episode:

• It’s important to look out for red flags and warning signs early in a relationship.

• Relationships can be strengthened by learning communication tools at the beginning.

• What are the big issues Taylor sees?

  • “Ring by Spring”: Many college-age young adults begin rushing into a relationship without knowing themselves well first. Sometimes when you’re single, you might be looking to relationships to avoid loneliness.
  • We have to be able to love ourselves and be willing to work on our own issues before we can really start sharing our lives with someone else.
  • Your goals and hopes change, and you and your partner might experience conflict in this change over time.
  • It’s easy for jealousy, anxieties, and frustrations to work their way into a relationship early on. If these issues aren’t addressed and worked through, anger and resentment can build.

• What does it look like for you to get to know yourself and grow yourself, even while sharing your life in a relationship?

  • First, examine yourself and how you feel in the relationship. Are there any jealousy issues or frustrations? If you are experiencing this, what do you do when you feel this way?
  • Ask yourself what your partner might be doing to trigger feelings of jealousy or frustration. Remember, the person isn’t necessarily the problem. This is something that can be worked through in healthy situations.

• Benefits of taking commitment slow and focusing on yourself:

  • Gives you time to enjoy getting to know each other and be more confident in your choice to commit to each other.
  • You’re able to grow independently before a relationship and take the time to know yourself and accept yourself before also putting energy into a relationship.
  • Learn your boundaries and what you most value about relationships. You can know what you will and won’t accept.

• What to think about before a relationship gets serious:

  • What are your life goals and what do those goals mean to you? What is important to you? What is your 5 year plan?
  • What are your standards? This could also be boundaries and what you will and won’t be okay with in a relationship.
  • Explore what your attachment style might be. Do you have a tendency to be anxious and seek more closeness? Or you might tend to push people away and seek distance.
  • Learn communication skills and tools for understanding each other’s attachment styles and ways of acting.
  • Explore the 5 love languages and what you and your partner’s languages might be. This is about what makes you feel loved, and how you express love.
  • Know that it’s ok to take time and get to know yourselves and each other before committing long-term.
  • Remember that conflict does not necessarily mean break up.
  • Are you being respected and supported? Every couple has arguments; that’s normal. But make sure the relationship is healthy for both sides.
  • Trust your gut and don’t force what you don’t think will work.

Resources:

Taylor referenced the 5 Love Languages, based on a book by Dr. Gary Chapman. You can take the quiz to find out your love language, and learn more at his website: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Your Defensiveness in Your Relationship

Defensiveness is hard to stop in yourself, and hurtful for your relationship. In this episode, we cover ways you can check yourself and calm yourself to not let defensiveness run wild in your heart and your relationship.

Your defensiveness might be escalating arguments or putting up walls between you and your partner.

Try to think back on an argument you’ve had with your spouse. Did it lead to you throwing accusations at them or giving them a long list of what they’ve done wrong? I imagine your defensiveness is a way of protecting yourself from hurt, and it happens quickly, oftentimes out of your control. But once defensiveness gets going, it can be incredibly harmful. It’s so important for you to recognize it, and for us to put a stop to it.

Here are practical steps to work on your defensiveness:

• Right now, take a big, slow, deep breath. Seriously, now. Where did you feel the air in your body? Let the fresh oxygen sink deep into your stomach, beyond the top of your lungs. Your stomach should expand as you inhale, taking in the fresh air. Take a few deep breaths until you feel more relaxed and at ease.
• Whenever you enter into a conversation with your spouse, or as you notice yourself getting defensive, go ahead and take those deep breaths.
• Next, find a time you can be alone and calm to reflect on things. First, ask yourself “When we have an argument, and I get defensive, what is it that usually sets me off or makes me defensive?” This might be a harsh tone or criticism from your partner. Pinpoint what it is that sets you off so you can recognize your trigger points.
• Next, ask yourself “When my partner does or says the things that set me off, how do I initially feel?” This might be anger, frustration, or disappointment, or something else. Figure out what that immediate feeling is that you get.
• Now, make sure you’re still calm as you think through this. When your spouse does the thing that pushes your buttons, what does that really mean to you? Maybe it tells you that they don’t value you and the effort you put in, or that you’re unappreciated. Whatever your partner does that leads to your defensiveness may be triggering something much deeper inside of you. We all want to be worthwhile and valued by our partner.
• Remember, you are brave for doing this hard work. And, this is a continuous journey. You may have to come back to this and reflect on multiple occasions.
• Now that you’ve really begun learning more about yourself, set aside a time to share this with your spouse. Be authentic. Be genuine. Help them hear this new self-awareness you have. It’s ok to ask for their patience, support, or understanding as you do this. Try to have this conversation at a time when you and your spouse are on good terms and getting along.

But what about when your defensiveness gets triggered? It will still happen. And here’s what you can do:

• Self-soothe. Take those deep, calming breaths. Stay present.
• Slow down and communicate what you’re feeling with your spouse. You can also share what their actions actually mean to you, and how they make you feel about your relationship. You might say “I understand this issue is frustrating to you and I want us to resolve it. I also know that right now, as I heard you say this to me, it made me feel upset and I can tell I’m starting to feel defensive. I think what your words meant to me is that the hard work and effort I put into our marriage isn’t valued by you, or that I’m not valued. I don’t believe that’s your intent, and I really want to engage in this conversation with you. But please know that when you said it in that tone to me, it was hurtful. I struggled to engage because I don’t feel important to you. I love you and want to work through this, and I need to feel important to you. So can we find another way to discuss this?”
• Remember this takes hard work and time. It might take several tries for you to do this. You and your spouse have been stuck in a pattern of defensiveness for a while, so it’s likely that neither of you are used to this new way of resolving issues. Be patient. Connecting with your spouse is more important than defending yourself in a moment of frustration.

Your Spouse’s Defensiveness and How You Can Respond

Overview of the Episode:

Defensiveness in your relationship is harmful. It’s important for you to know how to respond when your spouse gets defensive, and how to communicate in a way that facilitates keeping guards down and listening to each other.

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with your spouse, and they suddenly get upset, or snappy with you? Maybe you try to share a concern with them, even about something small, and they begin making excuses.

Defensiveness can be even worse about bigger topics, like your sex life. If you try talking with them about this, and your spouse gets defensive, the conversation can get derailed quickly. You try not to hold your concerns in, because you don’t want to build up resentments either. But the defensiveness from your spouse doesn’t make that easy.

Remember, you can only control yourself. You can’t change your spouse. But there are some skills you can work on to help reduce defensiveness and respond to it better.

How you can approach issues without triggering defensiveness in your partner:

• When you ask for something or express a concern, put it in a gentle statement or request. Don’t blame or get upset. “Why do you always leave the clothes on the floor?” can trigger defensiveness much more quickly than “It’s really important and helpful for me when the clothes are put in the basket. Can you please also do this?” You can also say how you feel when a situation happens, focusing on your feelings and not their actions.
• When your partner gets defensive, they may be hearing what you’re saying as an attack on them. When you approach it gently and offer positive solutions, you avoid becoming critical of your partner.
• When you bring something up, keep the conversation focused specifically on that particular issue. Don’t let it become a long list of all the things you see your partner doing wrong.

Even when you work hard at communicating clearly, your spouse might still get defensive. Here is what you can do to respond to their defensiveness:

• First, think about the first sign you get from your spouse that tells you they’re getting defensive. This may be a facial expression, or tone in their voice, or something else. Keep this sign in mind, and be ready to handle it calmly.
• When you first recognize that sign of your spouse getting defensive, take a deep, slow breath and count to 5. Try to put yourself in their shoes and think about what they’re experiencing. Maybe they try to love you in different ways and feel unappreciated. Or maybe they had a long day and already feel very stressed.
• Remember that defensiveness is often an outward expression of an inward hurt. Your partner may feel criticized or insecure, even if that’s not what you intended.
• Once you’ve slowed down, try to think about what this inward hurt might be for your partner. Your partner is a human who needs your empathy and love. Try to understand how they feel.
• Then, try to approach the issue again and restart the conversation, this time possibly even calmer. You can even say “I’m sorry, I did not mean for this to upset you. My hope is that by us discussing this and finding a resolution, I also won’t build up and frustrations or resentments toward you. Maybe we both could agree on a way to work through this.”
• Even when your spouse get’s defensive, you can choose to engage calmly and speak with love and care.
• Remember that if this is a typical pattern, it can take a while to break the defensiveness and build trust between the both of you for these tough conversations.

Time Together vs. Time Alone

Finding a balance between your personal time and time spent with your partner can sometimes be challenging. You or your spouse might be really good at spending time alone, whether that’s for your self-care, your personal hobbies, or other activities. But if that’s the case, you may not be spending enough time together. On the other hand, you might both be good at spending all your time together, but you don’t take personal self-care time for yourself.

Main points of this episode:

• It can be really easy in a relationship to get off balance with your personal hobbies and time spent together.
• How you spend your time together and alone may change over time, based on your needs. This requires flexibility and understanding.

How you can navigate finding the balance between time together for your relationship and time alone for your self-care:

• Each of you make a list of hobbies and activities you want to do each week.
• Print out 2 weekly calendars and get 3 different colored pens (1 for each of you, and one for shared time).
• On the first calendar, each of you write out your work schedules (in your own pen color). In the remaining time on the schedule, write out any other tasks you do (housework, hobbies, date time, other activities).
• Then ask yourself: Am I happy with the quality time I have with my spouse? And am I happy with the time I have for myself? Each of you take time to answer these questions for yourself and think about what you want to change.
• Then ask your spouse: How do you feel about the time that we have together? And how do you feel about the time you have on your own?
• Work together to evaluate what needs to change on that calendar. Based on each of your responses and thoughts to the questions, is your relationship missing special time? Or are each of you needing more individual time for self-care?
• Get the second weekly calendar you printed. Each of you go ahead and fill out the necessary time blocks, like your work schedule and other commitments.
• Then look back at the old calendar and work together to figure out what tasks and activities can be moved around. If household tasks can be moved around for each of you to have your own time, do it. If you need to prioritize date time, then schedule that and move other things around.
• Schedule 30 minutes to 1 hour at the end of the week for you to sit down together and reevaluate this schedule. When you meet, discuss whether or not the schedule happened as planned. Think of any changes you want to make based on the past week. Ask yourselves if you’re both satisfied with the time you had on your own and the time you had together. Once you’ve discussed this, make any important changes for the next week.
• Try again, and check in with each other again in a week.
• Schedule a short meeting every week to evaluate this until you both are more satisfied with how alone time and time together are being navigated in your relationship.

Your Relationship is Not a Fairytale: Purposeful Love, with Morgan Huffines

Morgan Huffines, LMFT-A talks about issues millennial couples face when the lust phase, or honeymoon phase, ends.

• Intimacy is about vulnerability.
• We have the rom-com idea of what we want our relationship to be like, but we never see what happens after the “happily ever after”.
• The “lust phase” is about early in a relationship, when hormones are excited and we interact based on this chemistry. It’s the fun and exciting time when you get to learn more about the other person and build a physical relationship.
• But when the long-term commitment continues, whether in marriage or a long-term relationship, the lust phase often ends for most couples. We haven’t been taught that this is normal.
• We grow up not always seeing how relationships function and grow and continue to develop. You may not learn what a healthy relationship looks like, or how it functions well.
• Purposeful: The relationship should be purposeful. When you express thoughts and feelings and respond to your partner, it has to be on purpose, intentional, with deliberation.

Questions I ask Morgan about purposeful love in your marriage:

What problems happen when people don’t act purposefully, and expect the relationship to just happen and be rom-com perfect?

• You might think you’re falling out of love. You start to think there’s something wrong. You compare your spouse to how they used to seem.
• You think the relationship is broken, and you either have to fix it or throw it away. It’s often thrown away.
• Anger and resentment can also build up.

What are some warning signs that couples can look out for to know if they’re struggling?

• When you’re bored or you catch yourself thinking or saying “I’m bored.”
• When the relationship feels boring, or you start to feel bored or frustrated with the lack of excitement or connection.

What is the difference between being bored and comfortable in a relationship?

• Your internal state: If your internal state is mostly positive and it’s ok, then you’re comfortable.
• If you’re more negative and getting frustrated with your partner, you need to check this.

What can couples do to work through this?

• Just like in a career, your relationship takes hard work. Purposeful work.
• Everybody gives 100%. Your 100% true self may be different on different days and in different situations, but it is about you always acting in love, openness, and care for your spouse.
• Make sure what you’re giving is more the focus than what you’re receiving.
• When it comes to communication, be specific. Give a specific need and don’t let resentments and frustrations build.

What else can couples do to combat the lust phase ending, to keep the romance and love alive in their relationship?

• Spend time, energy, and effort to maintain interest in each other. Don’t stop working.
• Do something purposeful. Be active in your relationship. Do something, even small, to bring a smile to your partner’s face.
• Pick flowers to take to your spouse. Go on a date. Do things to make your partner feel special because you love them.
• Set a reminder on your phone, or make a calendar event, to remind you to do the daily things that express love and gratitude. This is still romantic. And it’s purposeful action.
• Treat your relationship like you would your career or anything else that you want to maintain and grow in. You have to continue your education and keep learning the new tools and skills to ensure you’re giving your best to it.

How you can find and connect with Morgan:

https://www.bettertogethertherapysc.com/

https://www.facebook.com/bettertogethertherapy/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/morgan-huffines-aiken-sc/445306

Relationship Roles in Your Marriage: Navigating Roles and Expectations in Your Home

Navigating relationship roles can be challenging, especially early on in your relationship, or when you and your partner are facing seasons of change. In this episode, we discuss the ways your relationship roles might be defined, and how you and your partner can have honest and productive conversations to support each other and be flexible to changing roles. Whether you are tired of managing all the housework on your own, or you’re wanting to be able to do more and take some of the load off your loved one, you can pick up some helpful skills and steps for checking in on your relationship and adjusting roles as needed.

Main Points of this Episode:

Learn the different ways relationship roles might be established:

• You learn from how you saw your parents or caregivers handle different roles and expectations when you were growing up.
• Sometimes you or your partner might naturally take on various roles and tasks based on a season of life and the schedules you each have.
• You and your spouse might have discussed your ideas about roles and expectations, whether in premarital counseling or another setting.

Identify the issues you and your partner might have with relationship roles:

• You each might have different expectations and not be on the same page about the roles in your relationship.
• You might be carrying much of the load, and building up frustrations and resentment toward your spouse.
• Maybe you’ve both tried to talk about it, but can’t get past the disagreements and conflict that have developed.

What you can do to navigate establishing and changing relationship roles over time:

• Schedule a time for you and your partner to share about the households you grew up in. What did each of you learn from seeing how your families handled various roles and household tasks? Did you like the way your family did it, or would you want to make some changes to that?
• Next, talk about the house you both want to build together. Now knowing each other’s background and evaluating where things currently stand, share your ideas and hopes for the future of your household. Each of you take turns discussing how you envision navigating relationship roles. Plan for the future changes. Along with this, talk with your partner about how each of you see the roles currently being defined in your relationship. How is budgeting handled? How are bills divided or shared and paid? Who handles different household chores? Who typically gets the groceries, washes the laundry? What changes need to be made in the way things are now to help each of you reach the goals for the house you want to build together?
• Every couple of weeks, or every month, set aside time to check in on how things are going. Be FLEXIBLE. Work to recognize any big changes in each of your lives that might require changes in the roles you each take on.

Low Self-Esteem and Your Relationship

Low self-esteem can take quite a toll on your relationship. In this episode, we’re digging deeper into understanding what low self-esteem is, the signs you can look for, and how your low self-esteem affects your relationship. We’re also talking about what you can do, individually and with your partner, to combat low self-esteem and strengthen your marriage.

Main Points of this Episode:

What does low self-esteem look like?:

• You might be really hard on yourself, or really sensitive to constructive criticism. You may find yourself getting caught up in downward spiral of negative self-talk.
• You might feel pretty irritable, or catch yourself being snappy or short with loved ones. Your spouse might also feel the tension in this and start getting frustrated with you.
• You could be isolating yourself more, withdrawing from activities with your spouse, friends, or family. This is not the same as being introverted or appreciating some quiet time. This is problematic in that you might be worried about others’ opinions, or have a negative perspective that keeps you from enjoying this time with others.
• You may also be lacking motivation. Maybe you’re caring less about how well you do with work or other tasks. You might even feel worthless at times, not valuing your skills or abilities.

How does low self-esteem affect your marriage?

• Your spouse might be struggling to connect with you. If you’re shut down, or feeling like a shell of the person you’ve been or want to be, it may be difficult for them to understand or truly support you. More distance and disconnection may develop between you and your spouse as a result.
• Your relationship could experience more conflict. If you’re more irritable or on edge, which can happen with low self-esteem, you’re likely to snap at your partner. They may get frustrated with this, or they may feel hurt by harsh comments. They might argue back or engage in conflict with you.
• You both could lose more connection with each other if low self-esteem is leading you to isolate. You might pull away from your partner, and they may feel lonely. It becomes harder for them to support you. They might go spend time with friends without you, or they may begin to isolate themselves as well.
• If you’re losing motivation with low self-esteem, you might also be less intentional with your marriage. Maybe you’re putting less effort into helping to keep things running smoothly at home. Or you’re possibly caving to mindless distractions, like being on your phone, instead of engaging in meaningful conversations with your spouse.
• Low self-esteem can also affect the physical intimacy of your relationship, and your sex life. This could be in part a result of your negative self-talk and insecurity, or a result of more conflict in your relationship, or the other issues that come with low self-esteem. But it likely means that you and your partner might have less sex, or less enjoyable sex. You might not have the sex drive you used to or would like to.

What you can do to take action and work through the low self-esteem in your relationship:

• First, reflect on how you experience low self-esteem. What are your signs of low self-esteem? What might your partner be noticing about you? You can even write this down.
• Next, plan a time with your partner to talk about this. Set aside distractions and give your full attention to this discussion. Share your insights with them. Tell them what signs you experience with low self-esteem. If there’s anything else that you think might be related to this, like sudden changes in your life situation, or issues with family, mention these things too. Then, ask what they’ve noticed. Talk with each other about how you’ve both noticed this impacting your marriage.
• Then, begin recognizing the negative self-talk. Even write those thoughts down if you want to. And scratch them out and replace them with the truth. Dispute the negative self-talk.
• After you’ve worked through the negative self-talk some (and this is certainly an ongoing process), then share this with your spouse and seek their support. This is not about making your spouse responsible for your thoughts, your self-talk, your feelings, or your healing process. But this is about building understanding and empathy in your marriage.
• Work with your spouse to identify the areas of your relationship, or other areas of your social life, that are affected by your low self-esteem. Brainstorm new activities you can try together. Create a schedule that works. Work together, once you know what is happening to your relationship, to put into action ways to combat the low self-esteem.
• When it comes to any frustration or irritability in your marriage, try to recognize if there is anything that triggers you to be irritable, anything that pushes your buttons. Then, recognize how it might make you feel (like frustrated, or hurt, or worried). When that happens, what do you do? Do you get snappy with your partner or get a harsh tone? Ask them to do this same exercise, answering these same questions. What pushes their buttons? How do they feel, and then what do they do? Talk through this with each other, and try to recognize any patterns. I imagine that there are things each of you do that push each other’s buttons. This isn’t about blaming the other person. This is about recognizing what you do when you feel a certain way, and accepting responsibility for that action and beginning to change it. If you know you tend to snap at your spouse when you’re feeling negative, then you can become aware of when you feel that way, take a deep breath, and agree to walk away and come back to discuss the issue when you can do so calmly.
• Remember: low self-esteem is challenging and hard to break free from. It can be helpful to do individual therapy, but it can also be helpful for you and your spouse to do couples therapy for low self-esteem.

Your Phone and Your Relationship

Overview of this episode:

You and your partner might be feeling disconnected lately. And there’s a chance some of the disconnection in your relationship could stem from too much focus being on the phone screen, and not enough focus on each other. With social media, group messages, emails, and any information you could ever think of needing or wanting in the palm of your hand, it’s so easy to get distracted from the world in front of you and the relationships around you. Romantic relationships get sidelined, and you take away from the authenticity with your partner in exchange for sharing the highlights with the world.

In this episode, we talk about all the ways technology might be harming your marriage.

I’m also including some helpful information found in recent research studies on technology and relationships.
Along with that, I’m sharing some specific, simple steps you and your spouse can take to reconnect in your marriage and to set some boundaries with your phones.

Main points about phones and relationships:

Learn ways to recognize when and how technology and phone use is an issue for your relationship:

• Do you catch yourself zoning out, getting stuck in the black hole of your newsfeed for several minutes (or hours?) at a time?
• Do you stay on your phone when you could be greeting your spouse when you both return home from work?
• Is the phone at the dinner table (or breakfast or lunch)?
• When you go to bed at night, are you on your phone instead of spending time with your spouse?
• Are date nights and/or weekends spent on technology more than getting some face-to-face interaction with your partner?

What the research shows us about phones and relationships:

• Snubbing your partner and focusing on your phone predicts conflict in your relationship, which can then decrease your own life satisfaction (Roberts & David, 2016).
• Face to face interactions with your partner are more dissatisfying with the presence of phones, and it’s much more difficult to resolve a conflict if at least one partner is looking at their phone during the conflict (Roache, 2018).
• A partner spending more time on Facebook can be an intrusion in the relationship and can result in jealousy and dissatisfaction in the relationship (Elphinston & Noller, 2011).

What you can do to make changes with your phone use and restore connection with your spouse:

• Prioritize the small moments, the goodbyes before work and greetings when you return home. Put your phone down to connect with your spouse in those moments.
• Find the pattern: are you choosing your phone when you feel neglected by your partner choosing theirs? Be intentional in these moments to stop the pattern and reconnect.
• Put the phone away for dinner or other shared meals.
• Give your phones a bedtime at least 30 minutes before your own.
• Create some boundaries around what times of the day and how long you’ll be on your phone, and how late in the evening you’ll be on social media or responding to texts or emails.
• This is about you choosing to prioritize your marriage over your phone.

Resources:

(2012). The Effects of Cell Phone Usage Rules on Satisfaction in Romantic Relationships. Communication Quarterly, 60(1), 17–34. https://doi.org/10.1080/01463373.2012.642263

González-Rivera, J. A., & Hernández-Gato, I. (2019). Conflicts in Romantic Relationships over Facebook Use: Validation and Psychometric Study. Behavioral Sciences (2076-328X), 9(2), 18. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs9020018

Roberts, J. A. & David, M. E. (2016). My Life Has Become a Major Distraction from My Cell Phone: Partner Phubbing and Relationship Satisfaction. AMA Winter Educators’ Conference Proceedings 27 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2015.07.058

Roache, D. J. (2018). “Can you just put your phone away?”: The effects of cell phone use on face-to-face conflict in romantic relationships. http://hdl.handle.net/2142/102880

Elphinston, R. A., & Noller, P. (2011). Time to Face It! Facebook Intrusion and the Implications for Romantic Jealousy and Relationship Satisfaction Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking 14(11), 631-635. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2010.0318

About this Episode:

Welcome to the Marriaging podcast! This episode is created to give you a brief introduction to the podcast, and to share with you what you can expect moving forward. The goal of the Marriaging podcast is to help you approach your relationship with authenticity, to improve your communication and intimacy, and to create a more connected marriage.