Interabled Relationships with Jose Luis Tapia-Fuselier Jr., M.S., CRC, LPC, NCC

Jose discusses what couples experience in interabled relationships, and what each partner can do to work together and form a stronger bond through new changes after a disability is acquired. Jose began working with couples through his work in rehabilitation counseling and helping individuals with brain injuries. He helps couples strengthen their relationship when one partner acquires a disability.

What are some of the challenges couples face when one partner acquires a disability?

• Younger couples may experience an existential crisis. Their life, goals, and expectations change. The relationship may end if the couple does not intentionally work together in these changes.
• Mid-life couples may experience similar difficulties with change. They need to process the grief of the changes and the loss of their expectations, and form stronger bonds.
• Later-life couples may have more of an understanding, as our bodies naturally change with age. The partners are typically better able to easily show up for their partners.
• The grieving process when one partner acquires a disability can occur at all stages of life. The expectations of the relationship and each partner change, creating new and sometimes confusing relationship dynamics.

What might each partner experience in an interabled relationship?

• The non-disabled partner may take on the role of caregiver. This can be challenging, especially depending on the level of care they are providing.
• Relationship dynamics change as the partner who acquires the disability may need help in new ways.
• Sex drives can decrease or be impacted by the medical issues, changes in the relationship dynamics, and more.
• The first few months may feel more stressful and require a greater focus on the basics: appointments, household changes, physical needs.
• If there are children, the parenting role for each partner will change, and the children will also need support in understanding the changes.
• Fertility issues may also be experienced depending on the disability acquired. This is another layer of grief and change.

How can couples work together and form a lasting relationship?

• Acceptance is necessary, and hard to get to.
• Seek support. It is helpful when others can assist so the partner does not have to take on all of the caregiving roles. It’s important for the couple to know what insurance covers and what other resources and agencies are there to help. If the couple also has family, friends, and a support system, it’s helpful for others to step in and alleviate some of the stress.
• Work to get to a point where the partner with a disability can communicate about their abilities and do the things they are able to do.
• Trust allows the non-disabled partner to let go of some fear and let the partner who has acquired a disability to do what they can do for themselves.
• It’s important for both partners to talk about their fears with each other.
• Open communication about fears, questions, and concerns builds a stronger bond and allows for better outcomes long-term for the relationship.

How can couples keep physical and sexual intimacy in an interabled relationship?

• Schedule a date night. Schedule sex. With doctors’ appointments, therapies, and other appointments, it’s important to schedule time together.
• When scheduling a date night or outing, keep in mind accessibility.
• Seek help from a therapist who has specialized knowledge and experience in working with the issues you are experiencing. Here are some techniques Jose discussed that a therapist can help you process through:
  • Body mapping technique: the partner with the disability can (standing or sitting) map out their body while naked. Exploring what has changed about their body gives them space to sense what’s different and new, finding what they like and don’t like.
  • Non-demand sensate genital exploration (sensuous shower): both partners are in the shower together (may be in a shower chair or standing), and exploring each other’s bodies, including genitals, without any pressure to have sex. The partners get to explore each other, while talking or not talking.
• Take these steps to understand and explore changes. The non-disabled partner may have fear about hurting their partner. Open communication allows for the couple to change their physical relationship and find what works for both partners.

What you and your partner can do now:

• Seek help. A couples therapist can help provide space for both partners to work together.
• If you’re a non-disabled couple, have conversations now about what you would do if something were to happen. If you have the means, plan for insurance, short-term and long-term disability, or other methods for preparing your family to deal with any changes.

A couples therapist who effectively helps an interabled couple will:

• Help gain understanding of each partner’s relationship to the disability.
• Help each partner better understand and process how expectations change.
• Take into account cultural factors, socioeconomic factors, and more, when helping a couple find medical services and other support services.
• Understand and have open discussion with the couple about changes in sex drive and their sexual relationship.
• With the client’s consent, work with other medical providers and supports to provide integrated and holistic care.
• Recognize accessibility needs.
• Help the couple explore ways to form a stronger connection and keep intimacy and communication in their relationship.

About Jose:

Jose Luis Tapia-Fuselier Jr. (pronouns: he, him, his) is currently a third-year doctoral student in counseling at the University of North Texas. Jose’s research is focused on clinical interventions for interabled couples in couples’ and sex therapy, and the adjustment process after one partner acquires a disability. Jose provides individual, couples, play, and family therapy with a special focus in working with people with disabilities in three languages (English, Spanish, and American Sign Language) at a private practice. Jose has had advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy and is on the road to certification. Jose has been a guest on Sexology Podcast and Café with Monica. Finally, Jose has presented at the national, regional, state, and local levels on topics related to supporting graduate students, counseling people with disabilities, interabled couples and sex therapy, and bilingual counseling and supervision.

You can connect with Jose at josetapia@my.unt.edu

Setting Goals with Your Spouse

How to Set Achievable Goals in Your Marriage

Setting goals in your marriage is necessary, and difficult. If you and your spouse both have your own individual goals, or if you like to dream but have trouble putting in the action, you might feel like actually meeting your goals is impossible. In this episode, we’re discussing the importance of creating shared goals and supporting each other’s goals, and identifying how you can break your long-term goals down into small, achievable steps.

It’s important to do goal-setting with your spouse and not on your own for a few reasons:

• Your spouse can know you better and be more understanding of your actions when they know what your end goal is. It’s ok that you both have different goals, and it’s important to be supportive of each other’s goals.
• You also need to set common goals together. This is a way you can be a team and work together with excitement for a shared future.

Think long-term and short-term when setting goals together:

• Think about the different types of goals. Financial, physical, spiritual, relational, emotional, and more.
• Start with more long-term goals, like lifetime goals, 10 year goals, 5 year goals. Once you get to your 5 year goals, break it down smaller though, to begin creating action steps.
• Use the acronym SMART when goal-setting. It means Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Timely. Keep your goals in line with SMART.

Taking small steps together with your goals:

• You and your spouse can pick the most important goals you want to pursue together.
• Based on your long-term goals together, what needs to happen in 5 years that either meets those goals or keeps you on the path toward those goals?
• What needs to happen in 3 years that keeps you on track toward the 5 year goals?
• What do you need to do in 1 year that puts you on track for the 3 year and 5 year goals?
• Now, you and your spouse go even smaller in your steps. What do you need to do in 6 months to keep you on track for reaching your goals?
• Break down your 6 month goals into 3 month goals. Think about what you want the progress of your goal to be in 3 months.
• Once you have your 3 month goals together, break it down into 1 month goals.
• Break that 1 month goal down into week-long goals. What do you and your spouse need to do in one week to begin reaching those goals? What is the very first step that has to happen for you and your spouse to make a step toward your goal?

Remember, you and your spouse are a team. As we close out a year and begin a new one, think of how the two of you can work together and support each other’s hopes, dreams, and goals for the future.

Eye Contact and Love in Your Relationship

In 1997, Arthur Aron developed a theory that 4 minutes of eye contact makes people closer and increases intimacy. In this episode, you’ll be encouraged to take steps to connect with your spouse and truly look them in the eyes without being distracted by all the noise around you.

What you need to know about eye contact and your relationship:

You’re missing out on more intimate love with your partner.

• Think of times that you and your partner are in the same room and talking, and don’t make eye contact.
• There might also be times you are in separate rooms and doing your own things, when you could take 4 minutes to become closer every day.
• Do you watch tv separately? Or talk while watching tv?
• Are you looking at your phone during conversations with your spouse?
• Do you stay busy with cleaning or other household tasks, without taking just a few minutes to connect?
• When you go to bed at night, how much have you actually looked at your spouse?

What eye contact can do for your love in your relationship:

• Set aside 4 minutes today to sit with your spouse and make eye contact. Try to just connect through your eyes, without even talking.
• You will feel closer to your partner. Deep eye contact is vulnerable and can feel intense. It may bring up deep emotions for you. This is an experience you’re sharing with your partner, thus building a closer connection.
• Mirror neurons also come into play here. You’re activating neural pathways of connection and empathy through eye contact with your spouse.

Putting eye contact into action every day in your relationship:

• You might not do this 4 minute experiment every day. But you can take time every day to make eye contact and connect with your spouse. Even if it’s over dinner or during a short conversation after work, put your phone or other distractions away and make eye contact while talking. You’ll begin to notice how each of you feel closer to each other.

Resources

https://www.globalcitizen.org/en/content/refugee-crisis-europe-eye-contact-amnesty/
https://articles.aplus.com/a/amnesty-poland-video-european-refugees-eye-contact

ADHD and Your Relationship, with Ari Tuckman, PsyD, CST

Ari Tuckman, PsyD, CST discusses how Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder affects relationships. He shares how couples can recognize issues related to ADHD in their relationship, what they can do to improve understanding and improve their relationship, and specifically how couples can improve their sex life when one partner has ADHD.

How Does Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder affect relationships?

• We want our partners to be predictable. ADHD makes it difficult for the partner to be predictable. It also becomes more difficult for the other partner to be able to rely on them to remember various needs.
• It can become a parent-child dynamic, a dynamic where the non-ADHD partner has to be more “responsible” and the partner with ADHD has to be “managed.”
• Your sex life can suffer from the parent-child dynamic. You don’t want to be in a parent role or child role, and these dynamics take away from the romance.

How can couples see these issues as ADHD, without demoralizing their partner?

• Seek professional help to get the diagnosis clarified. It’s also helpful for the partner without ADHD to attend appointments and learn about ADHD as well.
• Educate yourself to understand and to develop empathy for the partner with ADHD.
• Remember that ADHD is part of the package deal of being with your partner. You each have differences and bring issues to your relationship, and ADHD is only one of them. Don’t fall into the trap of making ADHD the big problem in your relationship.
• The partner without ADHD can let go of wanting some things done specific ways. Work through some of your own anxieties to be willing to tolerate more uncertainty.

What can couples do and put into action to improve understanding and improve the relationship when one partner has ADHD?

• Accurate diagnosis and effective treatment. Seek help and work with your prescriber to find an effective medication.
• Do couples therapy to work with issues involving ADHD in your relationship. Work with a couples therapist who understands the dynamics of ADHD in relationships, and can see both partners’ perspectives.
• See the issues related to ADHD as a challenge for both partners to work. The partner without ADHD can begin to let go of some expectations, and the partner with ADHD can push themselves and step up to help their partner feel more secure.
• Find ways to work well together and set yourselves up for success. Set reminders, stick to the reminders. Have reasonable expectations and support each other, while each doing your own part.
• Don’t fall into the mindset of “I would be so much happier if it weren’t for you.” If you want something different out of your partner, you should do something different in your approach.
• Pick your battles.
• It’s important to understand that some of the issues might be related to ADHD. For the partner with ADHD. it’s important to seek help. Medication and specific strategies, like setting alarm reminders on your phone, can help.

How can couples improve their sex life when one partner has ADHD?

• Our sexual satisfaction and our overall relationship satisfaction overlap by about two-thirds. This means that to be happy in one, you have to also work on the other.
• When you’re having frustrations and fights throughout the day, you may not want to be together sexually. Handle these disagreements well to preserve the good feelings for sex.
• Also preserve time for sex. Time management can be a challenge. You might both want to have sex, but time slips away and you don’t make time for it. Schedule it and plan backwards so you know when each task needs to happen.
• Remember it’s important to have a good sexual relationship to protect your overall relationship from the daily issues that ADHD can cause.
• The partner without ADHD can also let some things be undone to prioritize sex over household tasks.

Takeaways about Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and Your Relationship:

It takes work from each partner to improve their relationship and deal with ADHD issues.

Take ADHD seriously and put in the effort, while also recognizing that it is just a difference between the two of you, like other issues you might experience.

“Let it bring out the best in both of you rather than letting it bring out the worst.” -Ari Tuckman

Connect with Ari Tuckman, PsyD, CST

Ari is a psychologist and a sex therapist. He specializes in working with individuals with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, and works with couples and sex therapy. He has written 4 books and been featured in many media outlets.

Ari’s Books:

ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship

Understand Your Brain, Get More Done: The ADHD Executive Functions Workbook

More Attention, Less Deficit: Success Strategies for Adults with ADHD

Integrative Treatment for Adult ADHD: A Practical, Easy-To-Use Guide for Clinicians

Links:

http://adultadhdbook.com/

https://chadd.org/

Holiday Traditions and Your Relationship:

Answering Your Questions about Holidays, Traditions, and Family Relationships

You had questions about holiday traditions and your relationship, and I’m here with answers!

How do you create holiday traditions when your significant other’s family is dealing with a loss? (1:10)

• Remember that grief can be complex and challenging. Your significant other may need to keep some of their family traditions to honor their loved one and to process their grief.
• Remember that grief also may not go away. It changes and becomes more manageable, but they might always have some hurt. As their grief changes over time, it gets easier to further build your own traditions together.
• First, have open communication with your significant other. Ask them what they need, and what they would like to do. Are there traditions they had with that person that they would like to hold on to? Allow space for some of those. You can also tell your significant other how important it is for you to help them grieve and honor that loss, while still creating your own traditions.
• Set aside one day for you and your partner to do something new to begin creating your own traditions. Think of what each of you would like to do, and what will be special for your relationship. Make this an established time for the two of you together to create new memories.
• Help them find small things to continue honoring the loss of the loved one, while still moving forward to create new memories. This might be a special ornament or pictures on display to help them remember this loved one.

How do you decide which family to spend time with and blend traditions? (7:48)

• There’s no universal tie-breaker. Your families might be flexible, but it’s often challenging to get everyone together.
• You and your partner can talk through what events and traditions are important for each of you. If there are some family events that are always scheduled on the same day and time every year, these might be harder to move. If there are traditions that are important, but they don’t have to be on a certain day, maybe these can be moved around. First, just be willing to have open communication about it without getting defensive.
• Early on, you and your partner might agree to spend the same amount of time with each family. Doing this can help to divide the holidays more, but this still takes compromise. If your families are in the habit of celebrating on the same day, you either need to see one earlier in the day, and another later, or ask a family to move their celebrations to another day.
• It’s also important to remember that as you and your partner continue to build your own life together, you may not do everything you each used to do with your individual families. You may say no to more extended family events, or shorten the amount of time you spend at each one. You can set some boundaries and create your own traditions and blend ideas each of you like.

How to mesh family traditions and time when you have two very involved families? How do you make sure one family does not feel slighted and not make your spouse feel like you want to spend more time in one place and not the other? (10:30)

• This does require compromise. Once you know what your plans are, remember that it is ok to set boundaries. Some family members may be upset, but they can be upset, and you can still set the boundary that you won’t be at everything.
• If you both have very involved families, open communication is incredibly important here. Talk with each of your families to let them know how much you care and how much you want to be involved, and that you and your spouse are working on respecting each other’s traditions and creating your own.
• Sacrifice is important, too. You may have to sacrifice some time with your family. Your spouse might have to do the same. You can try taking turns, and see one family one year, and one family the next year. Or you can choose different holidays over the course of the year to spend with each family, and take turns that way by switching holidays throughout the year instead of switching the same holiday every year.
• Being willing to communicate with your spouse about holiday traditions and splitting time between families is the most important thing. If you’re getting defensive or easily upset thinking about your side of the family and wanting to spend more time with them, that’s going to hurt your spouse’s feelings. Remember to put your spouse first and establish traditions and time with your spouse first.

Happy Holidays!

The Importance of Taking a Time-Out: Dealing with Conflict in Your Relationship

Conflict with your partner can get heated at times, and you end up saying hurtful things. When harsh words or angry tones come up, it only leads to more distance between the two of you. Taking a time-out in conflicts like these can be helpful, but it’s important to know how to take the time-out, and how to come back together.

How to take an effective time-out:

• Prior to any conflict, talk with your partner about time-outs and why you think this could help with conflict in your relationship. Let your partner know that there might be times you call a time-out. They have a right to do so as well. Agree on a specific amount of time for a time-out. This might be 20-40 minutes.
• When you or your spouse notice conflict is escalating, one or both of you then has a right to call “time-out”. You both agree on how long you need, or have already agreed on this and can put it into action.
• You each go to your own space. This might be another room, or walking outside.
• You don’t use this time to mope or complain or allow yourself to get angrier. Instead, you ask yourself these questions:
  • What specifically upset me in this situation?
  • What does this issue actually mean to me? Do I feel unheard or unimportant to my partner, or something else?
  • How was I reacting?
  • How did my reaction make my partner feel? How might it have impacted them?
  • Did my reaction make our conflict worsen?
• Use your time-out to reflect on how you could also handle the situation differently and communicate your needs without being harsh toward your partner.

How to come back together after a time-out:

• Agree to sit down together when the time-out is done. Find a comfortable space to sit close and face each other. If you recognize that you’re still very reactive and not in a clear space to have open communication with your spouse, gently ask for more time. Agree to come back together after a set amount of time.
• Take turns each sharing how you actually felt, and recognize how your reaction made your partner feel. This isn’t about blaming. This is about taking responsibility and building empathy for each other.
• Spend time talking through what you each actually needed prior to getting into a conflict about it. This is when you can problem-solve together.
• Assume the best of each other and be willing to hear your partner out.

What else you need to know about time-outs:

• Sometimes it can be hard to come back together after a short amount of time. Or if you’re fighting late at night when you’re both tired and need to sleep, it’s hard to resolve conflict. With situations like these, it makes sense that you aren’t going to reconvene after a short time-out. It’s okay to postpone it to the next day, but if you do this, you both need to schedule a time and commit to talking at that time. If you keep postponing it, it won’t actually be worked through.
• Time-outs won’t work well if you come back to your partner and you’re in a defensive mode. Time-outs are meant to help you calm down and really process a situation. When you come back together, it’s important for your relationship that you work to be vulnerable and open with your spouse.

Receptivity: The One Thing that will Transform Your Relationship, with Shane Birkel, LMFT

Overview of this Episode:

Shane Birkel, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Relational Life Therapist talks about receptivity and what it means in a relationship. Couples often have a hard time being receptive and vulnerable in communication with each other. Shane helps us learn how these challenges with receptivity developed, along with how to embrace compassion and healthy boundaries to create a healthy relationship with your partner.

What problems with receptivity do couples experience?

• You might notice all the problems your spouse has, all the things they’re doing wrong.
• When you get overwhelmed seeing your partner anxious, stressed, or angry, you might get into a fight or flight mode and have difficulty listening to your partner.
• You minimize your partner’s reality, get defensive, fight back.
• It can be hard to be receptive to your partner if you experience low self-esteem and don’t have compassion for yourself or how you grew up.

How do receptivity problems develop?

• There are two ways you learn about relationships and how to deal with the world around you:
  • Modeling what you saw: what you noticed your caregivers doing when you were younger. If your dad was very angry, this was modeled for you, and you might tend towards acting in anger now.
  • Reacting to what you experienced: going the opposite way of what you saw. If your mom was very anxious, you might be reacting to that by trying to be very relaxed and letting everything go.
• How you grew up and the relationships you had with caregivers often impact the way you experience relationships now.
• You may not have learned skills for understanding emotions and communicating in a healthy relationship.
• If you aren’t being mindful, you’re acting on the raw emotional experience you have.

What does a healthy relationship look like?

• You and your partner learn and understand that there’s no right or wrong. You don’t blame, judge, or criticize.
• You express your reality from a 1^st person perspective (this is how I feel, what I think, my experience with it).
• If you catch yourself being overly-critical or overly-withdrawing, you might be trying to protect yourself or your self-esteem. You recognize this and move from self-protection to healthy boundaries.
• You recognize and care for the inner child who might be hurt or angry. You also choose to respond as your whole, adult self. Your partner is not responsible for caring for your inner child.
• Healthy boundaries means you can focus on feedback from your partner and let that in, without accepting the criticism from them or taking that criticism in as part of your view of yourself.
• Receptivity and vulnerability. Let yourself feel the emotions you’re experiencing. You can choose to expose this emotion and communicate it to your partner. Allow yourself to turn toward them and take in their reality. You can’t connect if you’re letting yourself stay in an angry or defensive mode.
• Be willing and open to listening to your partner. This invites receptivity and connection.
• Choose compassion and love for yourself.

Connect with Shane:

Shane Birkel, LMFT is a Certified Relational Life Therapist. He operates a private practice in Dover, NH, and works with couples and individuals with relationship issues. You can connect with him through his website:

https://shanebirkel.com/

https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/

Resources discussed in this episode:

• The Feedback Wheel: helps you to speak from the 1st person perspective with your partner. It includes 4 sections: What happened, the story I tell myself, how I feel about that, my request/what I hope for. You can find an example of the feedback wheel HERE 
• Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy https://www.terryreal.com/
• Pia Mellody http://www.piamellody.com/

How to Keep Work Travel from Ruining Your Relationship

Overview: How Travel Affects Your Relationship

Traveling for work can put a strain on your relationship and damage your connection with your spouse.

You might be more stressed and worried or feel insecure about the relationship.

Or you and your partner might go days or weeks without talking much, because you both understand your busy schedules, yet when you’re back together you feel disconnected.

If you’re the one staying home, you might feel lonely and stressed with keeping the household running on your own. If you’re the one traveling, you might be busy in meetings, missing your spouse and feeling lonely at night.

Here are 5 steps you can take to keep your relationship connected when work travel keeps you apart.

1. Set check-in times.

If you’re in different time zones, or the same, go ahead and look at your schedules. Find times, even if just for a few minutes, that you can set aside to talk with each other. Schedule that in your calendar and make it your priority.

2. Create guidelines together.

Create some guidelines on what each of you are comfortable with when separate. Trust and honesty are important. Whatever the boundaries and guidelines are that you set, make sure there is mutual understanding and agreement of them, and that they are communicated clearly and kindly with each other. This isn’t about one of you making rules for the other. This is about both of you agreeing to the same guidelines to protect your relationship.

3. Find ways to express love.

Find ways to express love to each other before, during, and after traveling. Think about what your spouse will notice, appreciate, and feel loved by. Here are some ideas:

1. 1. Leave notes in their luggage or around the house before you leave
   2. Have a small gift or flowers delivered to them while you’re away
   3. Send a kind text or email message to them during the day

4. Schedule date nights.

This is especially important if one spouse is traveling for a significant amount of time, like several days to weeks. Before the trip, go ahead and schedule a date night for when they return. Plan something fun that you both can enjoy.

5. Prioritize the time you have together.

Make the most of your time together. Even if you’re both just at home, focus on connecting with each other without distractions. Talk with each other. Make eye contact. Share your thoughts and feelings. Enjoy the time you have together.

The Sprinkles Story with Laura Long, LMFT/S

Vulnerability in Communication

In this episode, Laura shares The Sprinkles Story, a story about a conflict in her marriage and how she worked through it with some reflection, vulnerability, and honest communication to connect with her partner.

Laura’s Sprinkles Story:

Laura and her husband met in college and began dating. After about a year of dating, Laura was on track to go to graduate school in a different state. While she didn’t do long distance, her husband (then boyfriend) wasn’t comfortable moving without a promise or commitment. Their different stances were putting a strain on the relationship.

Instead of talking about it, tension built.

One day, while making a cake for a friend, they had to go to the grocery store to get sprinkles. Somehow, in the middle of Aisle 4, Laura and her husband (again, then-boyfriend) disagreed on which sprinkles to buy. But this wasn’t just any disagreement. This was a yelling and screaming fight over sprinkles that led to them getting escorted out of that grocery store.

What this Sprinkles Story Means:

When sharing this story, Laura asks every couple, “Do you think that my husband and I were actually fighting about sprinkles that day?”

At the time, Laura would have thought they were fighting about sprinkles. But after reflecting on this and cooling down for a couple of days, Laura came to the conclusion that we can all see, too.

“We were fighting about the future of our relationship” Laura realized.

Their relationship didn’t feel very secure. Would they move together, would they commit to each other, or would they break up?

Spoiler alert: They stayed together, he went to another state with her while she started graduate school, and now she can look back on the Sprinkles story, laugh, and appreciate the insight it brought for their relationship.

Sprinkles in Your Relationship:

You and your spouse probably get into “sprinkles” fights too: the laundry, the dishes, taking the trash out, etc. Over time, these “sprinkles” arguments build up.

But when you have the “sprinkles” issues, what is it that you actually aren’t talking about?

It’s important to get to the root, the heart of what’s going on, and figure out what the argument is actually about.

When you feel connected to your spouse, the smaller things like laundry and chores may not matter as much. But anything can become an argument when you’re feeling disconnected from your partner.

How You can be Vulnerable and Receptive to Communicating with Your Spouse:

• So often, couples get caught up in getting through the day: transporting kids, planning dinner, busy work schedules. If you’re starting to notice little arguments, or either of you are feeling more irritable, recognize this as a red flag. The socks on the floor aren’t about the socks on the floor. Take time to reflect and be mindful about what happens for you in the moment you experience that small issue. What’s really going on with you in those moments? What are you really feeling? It might be that you feel unheard, uncared for, disrespected, or something else.
• Look inward. What do the sprinkles actually mean to you?
• Also think back. When was the last time you and your partner had a big issue come up? Maybe there’s something still lingering that you don’t have closure on.
• Instead of making firm statements of “I think our argument is because of this issue”, you can say “I wonder if that argument was about this issue, and not what we were actually fighting about.” Wondering out loud allows your partner to also reflect and think about the meaning of the argument.
• You can preface the conversation by first asking permission to have the conversation, and working to discuss this at a time when you can both be calm and receptive to hearing what each other shares.

Action Steps for the “Sprinkles” Issues in Your Marriage:

• Sprinkles arguments will come back up if you don’t work through them. Laura shares what you can actually say to your spouse to begin the discussion and work through the issue together: “Look, I know that that was kind of silly that we blew that out of proportion. I’m sorry that I yelled at you over something that seems so silly, so trivial now looking back. I was wondering if we could have a conversation about what I think might be going on underneath that, because I really don’t think I was that mad at you about the dishes. I think it went a little bit deeper than that, and I want to talk to you about it.”
• Assume benevolence. Your partner likely isn’t trying to hurt you. When things escalate, we might use hurtful words. But generally if your partner is doing something that makes you angry, they may not intend to. Think about how you might have also contributed to the issue and impacted their feelings. By assuming benevolence, you’re choosing to not think the worst of your partner. You’re choosing to be receptive to working through the heart of the issue and communicating openly.

Connect with Laura:

Laura Long is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Supervisor. She has years of experience working with couples, and now works often with stressed out, burned out entrepreneurs. If you’re that stressed-out, burned-out entrepreneur who might be seeing the impact of your stress on your relationships, you can connect with Laura at Lauralongtherapy.com.

How to Get Your Spouse to Listen to You

Open Communication in Your Marriage

You feel unheard. You want your spouse to tune in and listen to what you’re feeling and what you need. It can be so challenging to get them on the same page and to establish effective communication. It leaves you feeling more frustrated, and possibly stuck in conflict or further disconnected. In this episode, we’re talking about how you can approach your spouse in a way that invites them to listen, and how to share with them in ways that encourage engagement and connection.

Main points of this episode:

• The challenges you run into when trying to get your spouse to listen to you:

  • When you feel unheard, you might come across as frustrated or angry. This can make it difficult for your spouse to even want to listen. On the other hand, you might feel overwhelmed and have trouble putting words to your thoughts and feelings.
  • Your spouse might already be somewhat guarded and unsure of how to respond if the issue you’re wanting to discuss has led to conflict before.
  • Sometimes you’re two very different people, with different personalities and different ways of expressing yourselves. This can make it more difficult to convey what you need and get a full understanding from them.

• Ways to approach your partner to be heard and understood:

  • Remember that you can’t change what another person does. You can only change yourself. So focus on the way you engage with your spouse.
  • If you think your spouse might be getting overwhelmed when you try to address something with them, slow down and write out or type out everything you want to say first. Do a brain dump. If you’re comfortable sending this to them, you can do that. But if you’ve used some harsh words toward them in the draft, edit it before sending.
  • Once you’ve gotten all your thoughts and feelings out and are ready to share with them, you can preface that email or letter by letting them know you want to talk about it, and you want to hear what they have to say too. Give them time to process what you shared. Then, schedule a time to talk later.
  • If you tend to get overwhelmed or upset, and have a hard time putting your feelings into words, writing it out will also be helpful just for you. In this case, you can even use what you write to read from in the conversation. This allows you to be clear, open, and genuine in your communication, and it helps your spouse to see how important this issue is for you.
  • Remember, whether in writing or in a conversation, focus on sharing your feelings about the situation, and not assigning intention or blame to your partner. Improving communication doesn’t happen when your spouse feels attacked. It happens when they have an opportunity to hear what you’re experiencing. And if you want your spouse to listen to you, it’s best to also listen well to them.