Attachment is about a bond, authenticity, and a secure connection with your partner.
The physiology of connection:
- Our bodies are involved in the bonding process.
- Emotion is a sensation- a physiological response with meaning and motivation.
- When we develop security, we are able to hold a felt sense of our partner’s experience. When we’re met with this connection, we can function better.
- We often have fears about the need of security with someone else. It takes courage to think about sharing from our hearts.
- When we’re authentically connected, we have a more congruent sense of self, meaning that our thoughts and feelings are not disconnected from each other. They line up. It’s in our biology to move toward growth, congruency, and the heart and head connection.
The danger signal:
- We get a startled, danger signal when we face disconnection. The danger signal is often unconscious. This danger signal moves into our body and how we process emotions. It informs our human responses.
- We also get the danger signal when our partner is in distress. It can lead to compassion. We either move toward our partner and protect, or we move away into self-protection.
How to change insecure responses into secure responses with your partner:
- The danger signal can inform actions of security. Create compassion. Instead of fight, flight, freeze, we can turn toward and befriend, tending to our partner.
How to prevent disconnection:
- We need touch and close contact. Nonsexual affection and, in our romantic partnerships, also sexual affection.
- Six to eight 20-30 second hugs every day can create closeness and prevent disconnection.
- Hand-holding signals safety, signals “I’m here with you.” It calms us and safeguards from disconnection.
- Safe, connected touch soothes us. Physical contact and non-sexual affection sends the message of “I’m here for you. We’re safe. We’re on the same team.”
- Eye contact is another way we touch each other and prevent disconnection. Maintaining eye contact opens up bonding chemicals and reduces stress.
- Holding each other creates space between bodies for bonding and connection.
Physiology: Understand your bodily responses involved in bonding and connection with your partner
- When we have a stress response and feel in danger, our body prepares us. Adrenaline gets going. If under continued stress, we have a cortisol response.
- We can synchronize our breathing with our partner. This releases oxytocin and calms the cortisol levels. Oxytocin is also the “cuddle hormone” that increases bonding and reduces stress. Loving and kind touches can also release oxytocin. In men, during the sexual response cycle, the hormone is vasopressin.
What does sex do to build the bond for a couple and prevent disconnection?
- Sex releases oxytocin, increasing bonding.
- The physical act, in combination with the emotional bonding, increases the loving connection.
- Orgasms may not be synchronized between partners, but you can still have the experience together. Talk about sex and play and explore together.
- Women sometimes have a different sexual response cycle than men. Women are often aroused before they feel desire. Men also have this response at times. The sexual desire may follow after being aroused, emotionally and physically. Talk with your partner about how you see your cycle- how you feel aroused and how you feel desire.
Why is connection and secure attachment so important for you?
When you’re connected and secure, you can be more emotionally stable. Pay attention to your triggers- understand what makes you feel upset, angry, insecure. Learn how your body responds to this. Pay attention to your emotional pain.
Security and connection help you maintain congruence between your head and heart, stability and safety. Connection and synchronized experiences allow for soothing.
Resources
Dr. Jorgensen and her colleagues with the Building a Lasting Connection program offer workshops and connection systems to help couples build secure bonds in their relationships.
You can text “connecting” to 31996 for a discount code and workshop information.
About Dr. Jorgensen:
As an international relationship educator and couple’s therapist, Dr. Jorgensen teaches the science of love to psychologists and clinicians throughout the world.
Dr. Jorgensen describes herself as being a bit of a connection crusader; sharing the secrets of love, romance, and fulfilling relationships via workshops, online courses, podcasts and FB Lives. In addition to the best-selling course: Emotionally Focused Therapy: Step by Step and her best-selling video set Emotionally Focused Therapy: A Complete Treatment, she has produced numerous webinars and online courses on effective therapy, relationship treatment, and secure, lasting love. Dr. J is a Certified Trainer and Supervisor of Emotionally Focused Therapy, director for the Training and Research Institute for Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Lasting Connection company that produces and distributes relationship products and marriage enrichment workshops. She holds a PhD in clinical psychology.
You can connect with Dr. Jorgensen through social media @EFTdoc