Feel bored in your relationship?
We live in a society of instant gratification. When everything you want is at your fingertips, it’s easy to keep wanting more. When something feels old, we get bored. When you start to lose the excitement with your partner, you immediately feel like you have a boring relationship, and start looking for something (or someone) new.
Is boredom a reason to actually end your relationship?
Every relationship is different, and sometimes there are issues that call for the ending of a relationship. When it comes to getting bored though, there are often patterns of boredom you might find yourself in.
But looking for the next new thing or the next new relationship won’t solve your problem or prevent that pattern long-term. If you end a relationship just because you feel bored, without evaluating why you felt bored, what happened in the relationship over time, and what did or didn’t work to help resolve the boredom issue, you’re going to continue having this problem in other relationships. You’ll find yourself getting bored, look for something else that’s more exciting, and move on to that.
But that next relationship will eventually settle too- the excitement phase might slow down as you get more comfortable with each other, and you’ll find yourself bored again. This can happen over and over again if you don’t address it. So instead of getting bored and making your first step to move on, take time to process what feels boring to you, why it might be boring, and what you may be doing differently in the relationship that you didn’t do early on.
You have choices when your relationship gets boring.
You might still feel that it’s best to end the relationship. And it’s important that you make the decisions that are healthiest for you. But also, be sure to look at boredom for what it is- another response to comfort and maturity.
As we see our relationship grow and mature beyond a honeymoon phase, we tend to get comfortable with each other. There might be trust that has been established over time together. You might both feel like you don’t have to try so hard, like you can just count on each other to be there. There’s comfort in doing the daily necessities of life together. Your marriage may feel more established, more routine. This happens naturally, and it’s up to you and your partner to create excitement in your relationship.
Boredom happens when things get comfortable and you don’t take on the task of keeping the relationship alive and well. Relationships, like anything else meaningful, take work. When you get bored, it might be because one or both of you have stopped putting the same level of effort in to connecting as you used to.
So, before you decide if boredom is really a reason to end your relationship, first identify what boredom looks like in your relationship- the signs that tell you you’re getting bored- and what you can do about it.
Signs of a boring relationship:
You might get slightly irritated or frustrated with your partner at little things.
Maybe they have little habits that they’ve always had, but now those things annoy you.
You find yourself not wanting to spend time together.
You might stay late at work, or choose more nights out with friends instead of a date night with your partner. Even when you’re home together, you might not spend time in the same room with each other.
You don’t really talk anymore.
You don’t really talk to each other when you get home. You might eat dinner in silence, or watch tv instead of talking before bed.
You find yourself thinking of other experiences, or other people.
You might notice you’re thinking of a new coworker who interests you, or you think of more exciting things you would want to do with your life. This can become very dangerous very quickly.
You don’t care about sex as much.
You might have sex less frequently or not be as excited for it.
You don’t feel curious or excited about your partner.
You might think you already know everything about your partner and you aren’t interested in asking them to share more.
How do you work through and improve a relationship that feels boring?
First, recognize that it’s normal for relationships to feel boring at times.
So, if you notice any of those signs, don’t immediately go looking for the next thing. Committed relationships take work. Just accept that it’s a normal issue and that you and your partner will have to dedicate some time and effort to working through this.
Next, start talking again.
Start sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other again. Turn the tv off and put your phones away at dinner. Use that time to spend together in conversation.
Work on your own internal perspective.
When you notice yourself getting annoyed with your partner for something- ask yourself, “Has this always annoyed me?” and “why does it annoy me?”. Then evaluate “Is this something my partner has always done, and did it actually used to annoy me?” Sometimes the things we used to appreciate become the things we get frustrated with. That’s not your partner’s fault. That’s your own attitude shift.
So, when something like that happens, it’s more helpful for you to examine your attitude and keep it in check, than it is to ask them to stop. Instead, remind yourself of how you used to appreciate it, and even focus on reminding yourself of the positive perspective in the present moment.
Make a list of some fun date ideas you’d each like to do, then compare the lists.
Pick something together to do this week. Do at least one of those things each month, or more frequently if you can. These can be fun and unique dates for the two of you to enjoy together.
Continue reminding yourself that this takes work.
Find times to intentionally prioritize connection with your spouse. Text them a sweet message during the day. Ask them to share a story about their life that you don’t already know. Be interested and care for them.
Start a new hobby together.
You can go for walks together, or pick a book and read it together. It can be simple. If you’re interested in books specifically for couples and relationship improvement, check out some books that I recommend. Sue Johnson and John Gottman have both written very helpful books for couples.
Talk about sex together.
If sex is one of the parts of your relationship that feels boring, set aside a specific time to talk with each other about it. Share what you each like about sex, what you’d like more of, or what you’d like to try differently. Do not be negative or criticize. Focus on positive changes you can each make.
If you try these things and notice you’re still struggling, consider going to therapy or doing a retreat or intensive.
Patterns of feeling bored can be hard to break. That’s ok. It’s just important when that happens to recognize that you can’t always heal issues like this on your own, and sometimes you need the extra help and support.
Remember, just because your relationship feels boring, doesn’t mean you automatically abandon it.
Focus on reflecting on your own thoughts, feelings, and actions to process your experience and what you do in the relationship that contributes to the boredom. Recognize that relationships change and evolve over time. They will get comfortable. This can lead to feelings of boredom at times. But just because you’re bored now in your marriage doesn’t mean you’ll be bored forever in your marriage. Be willing to put in the consistent work over time to keep your connection strong and exciting.