Negative Cycles and Your Relationship: Breaking Old Patterns and Building Connection
Why do couples fight over little things?
Little things like tasks around the house, who is picking up the groceries, or other seemingly unimportant things sometimes lead to the biggest fights. It builds up into one or both of you feeling unheard, uncared for, or unloved. The cycle of conflict keeps happening because with each little step, you feel more disconnected from each other.
And each time that cycle gets going, you’re both carrying more hurt, armed with more reasons to stand your ground instead of resolving the deeper conflict.
Learning your relationship cycle
You can find out more about relationship cycles from Dr. Sue Johnson’s resources (see link in resources section). This is just one common example of relationships, and your relationship patterns may be different.
The pursuer:
You get signals from your partner (avoiding a conversation, having a harsh tone, pulling away), and those signals might often make you feel unheard or unimportant.
You might experience frustration or anger, thinking that they don’t care about you, or that maybe you’re asking too much.
You might often appear critical, naggy, or harsh, acting out of the frustration or anger instead of expressing hurt or loneliness, or other underlying feelings.
The withdrawer:
You get signals from your partner (harsh tone, anger, nagging or criticizing), and those signals might make you feel inadequate or hurt.
You might feel overwhelmed or also experience frustration, thinking that no matter what you do, you won’t be able to get it right for your partner.
You might avoid conflict, give a half-hearted apology, get defensive, or pull away, appearing uncaring and cold.
How the cycle keeps you stuck:
You and your partner have those underlying experiences that you don’t communicate with each other when the negative cycle happens. You likely aren’t recognizing the deeper feelings and asking your partner for what you really need. Instead, you each might act out of frustration or overwhelm, doing the very actions that signal each other in the negative cycle.
Here’s what you can do with this negative cycle in your relationship:
1. First, work on recognizing it.
Gain awareness into your experience in the cycle and what you really feel and need. Beyond daily tasks, you probably want to know that your partner cares enough about you to engage with you and love you regardless of your flaws.
2. Then, work on communicating those true feelings and needs.
Don’t get harsh or shut down. Instead, work on sharing with your partner how you actually feel, and asking for what you really need.
3. Listen to you partner.
Be willing to hear them and understand them. Don’t let defensiveness block your heart from connecting with theirs.
4. Focus on your bond.
You are each different and imperfect. You may always have certain tendencies, and the same situations may pop up that could lead to the negative cycle, but it’s how you handle those that matters most. Choose to focus on forming a closer connection with each other.
Resources:
If you’re interested in learning more about relationship cycles, Dr. Sue Johnson, who pioneered the field of EFT, has written at length about couples, couples therapy, and specifically relationship cycles.
You can visit the ICEEFT website for more information about Dr. Sue Johnson’s work.
Dr. Sue Johnson’s Books for Couples:
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Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships